This is a story about insecurity...

The self preservation instinct varies by individual. In theory, we should all be equally risk-averse, because all genetically heritable traits must surely code for self-preservation, by definition. Any genes that would make an individual less likely to want to live, would literally die out. However, we know that people willingly jump out of perfectly good aeroplanes, while others are afraid to leave the house.

When life becomes one long unrewarding fruitless struggle - endless anxiety - then it seems logical that you'd give up hope of things ever getting better. "This will pass" people say. It doesn't. They're wrong.

I've done most of the stressful things in life: moved house, made new friends, asked a girl out on a date, got a job, paid bills, started businesses, balanced the books, paid my taxes, fixed a broken down car, fixed a water leak, fixed a gas leak, been punched in the face, got divorced, been arrested, been locked in a cell, been hospitalised, ran out of money, been homeless.

So, I've been through a lot of shit and survived. I've dealt with a heap of very stressful situations and I managed to get through them without having a nervous breakdown. However, I'm not exactly thrilled about having to start over.

I had become careless with my life, because I'd been suicidally depressed for so long that existence offered nothing but unrelenting pain.

My life attitude has generally been this: start today with whatever I've got, and make the best of it.

It's heartbreaking when you try your best for years and years, but you're thwarted at every turn. Imagine you've patiently observed, practiced and developed your skills. You're doing all the right things, but it's not working because somebody is working against you. I try to win people over. I try to get people onside. I try to convert the bad apples into good apples, rather than chuck them in the bin.

I'm named after a heroin addict: Mr Grant. I don't know his first name. If I took my mum's name, I'd be Nick Newton. If I took my dad's name, I'd be Nick Edmonds.

I had a blazing row with my mum when I was a child, over whether it was ever ethical to write somebody off as a lost cause. Unsurprisingly, my unshakeable belief - for as long as I can remember - has been that nobody is born bad, and nobody should be abandoned. Even the idea of casual dating is unpalatable to me: pick a partner and stick with them; be loyal.

My core beliefs have been tested to breaking point. I've lain myself wide open to be taken advantage of, and people have come and filled their pockets at my expense.

"Where are your friends when you need them?" my flatmate asked me a few times. "They're not there when you need them" he said.

In fact, I never phoned my friends for help. Ironically, the one time I phoned my friends for a favour, was to get rid of my flatmate - who owes me thousands of pounds in unpaid rent and bills - when he refused to leave.

Of course, my friends have been there when I've needed them, but I have a strong instinct to take my problems away from the people who I care about. I don't suck people into the turmoil of my decaying life. If I'm in trouble, I don't want that trouble to spill over onto my friends. If I'm going to kill myself, I'm going to throw up barriers - defences - to stop people getting too close to ground zero.

I haven't been ready to have anybody in my life, because I started to believe the bullshit: I started to think that I was a good-for-nothing write-off lost cause.

Now, a couple of people have stuck by me and been physically present through some of the horrors, and we've come out the other side. With every bit of loyalty, love and care that I've received, it's helped me to heal and repair a little more. It's hard to be objective, but it feels like things are getting better for once.

Everybody needs at least one person who believes in them. One person who'll be there when you really need somebody. One person who's trying to help, not thwart.

I find myself writing with consideration for their feelings and how they might perceive things. I'm starting to think about a positive future, rather than just brain-dumping before I die.

This blog was supposed to be a time-capsule; a smoking gun; a suicide note. This blog was supposed to contain all the things that hold some horrible people to account. It's so much easier if the target of your malice goes down without a fight and quietly dies.

She said to me "awwww, you wrote me a love letter" and it's true. In amongst the bitchy sniping at a bunch of arseholes who've screwed me over, there's a new theme developing: I care about hurting somebody's feelings and damaging a burgeoning relationship. There's something precious to me that I want to protect.

It's fairly hard to think "I hope we don't break up" and "I want to die" at the same time. Obviously, it'd be a logical fallacy to hold both thoughts simultaneously. Reason is a very poor way to tackle emotion, but it seems to be quite hard to be suicidal when you're cuddling on the couch... although not impossible.

When you care about somebody, you can feel insecure: "what if I lose her?"

It's progress, of a kind. I wouldn't say that dating is ever a reason to live, but having a significant other who you're crazy about is an improvement on a situation where your own emotional pain fills your world, to the point where you have no capacity to think or care about the people who would be sad if you were dead.

"Suicide is so selfish."

No, you simply haven't understood. It's you who is selfish, if you expect somebody to endure intolerable agony for your benefit. Believe me: people don't want to die because they're selfish; they want to die because they can't stand the pain and suffering anymore.

Guilt-tripping never works, but kindness, care, compassion and loyalty seem to be a winning combo.

Tags: #suicide #depression #relationships #divorce

This is a story about waiting...

There are many things in life that have to be endured. Life's like a really shit amusement park, where you queue up for days, weeks, months or even years, so that you can have a thrill ride that lasts all of 90 seconds.

Tags: #depression

This is a story about unhappy endings...

When things come to an end, it's hard to re-adjust. Our lives have almost perfect continuity: we segue from school to university to job to job to job... and then we die.

My life's been a bit different.

The conventional wisdom is that any gaps on your CV show that you're lacking moral fibre. You're flawed. You're a failure. You're malingering. You're going to be hauled in front of the authorities and be asked to give a good explanation for why you didn't shackle yourself to your desk, in some dead-end career that barely pays the bills.

Is it fear or is it poverty that keeps people working full-time, when really it would be a lot better if we could stop and smell the roses? Why is nearly every job a 5-day a week full time one, with at least 7 hours a day doing some dull pointless shit, keeping a chair warm? Surely we could get all the actual work done in 4 hours and then take the rest of the week off?

I decided to take the whole of November off so that I could write my first novel.

Now, I'm hunting for a new role in December. It's hard to find work in December: everybody is in holiday mode. No work is getting done. People are thinking about seeing their families, drinking too much and eating luxurious festive food.

My last contract finished prematurely when the commercial terms of the project failed to be agreed between consultancy and client. Everybody got the boot. I needed that money to get myself back on a good financial footing. My flatmate had to be kicked out because he was thousands of pounds in debt to me and showing no intention of getting a job.

Then I finished my novel.

I loved inhabiting that fictional world. I loved that people were reading and would ask me where the next chapter was, if I didn't publish one every day. I loved doing something creative. I loved having a goal; a project. I was master of my own destiny, and I achieved what I set out to do. I proved that I can set my mind to a task and be disciplined enough to keep working until it was done.

Now, I have absolutely no control of my destiny.

I fire my CV off into the ether, and I have no idea whether the right people are getting to look at it. Agents might filter it. HR people might filter it. Project managers might filter it. Until my CV gets in front of somebody technical, they have no idea what they're looking at. It's literally an exercise in writing the right things to get through the dumbasses that stand in between you and the person who's qualified to make a decision.

I'm not happy when I don't have a project; a mission; a goal; a target.

I'm a completer-finisher and it will be painful for me to have to down tools and spend the Xmas break impotently waiting for the working world to start up again in the New Year. I want ink dried on a contract. I want to work. I guess it's my fault for spending November writing a novel though, rather than speaking to agents and doing interviews.

My life goes like this: morning speaking to a procession of agents who phone me up asking if they can put my CV forward to their clients. Afternoon speaking to agents about roles that I've already been put forward for... trying to get some feedback and see if the roles are still actively hiring. Evening spent sending my CV out for every contract that looks any good. I also have phone and face-to-face interviews. I can't keep track of everything. It's disruptive, having to wait by the phone and speak to agents and interviewers. I'm glad I'm not trying to write my novel while I'm doing this. I hate being interrupted when creativity is in full flow.

The other thing I miss though, is the time and the space set aside for writing. Friends were excited that I was writing a novel and they would ask "do you need to write your chapter today?"

People were helpful, making sure I had space to be a novelist, even if it was just for a month. It was fun, to call myself a writer.

Sometimes surprising things can pay the bills. If I can edit my novel in January, I might be able to circulate it with some literary agents and see if it has any commercial potential. I can't see why my debut novel would be up to the required standard of a publisher, but it's worth a punt. I can always Kindle it as a plan B. It's just nice knowing that I did that: knowing that I have another achievement to be proud of. How many people can say they've written a novel in their lifetime? It's way cooler than saying that I've written computer games or business critical software. It's way cooler than saying I'm blogging. Everybody blogs, don't they?

My identity is bound up in whatever I'm doing. I had purpose when I was a writer. I had purpose when I was a scrum master, or a developer or whatever. Now, I'm nothing. Just another unemployed loser. Just another guy stuck at home on the sofa, circulating his CV hopelessly.

Overcome with depression and frustration, I snipe at the whole bullshit system and flirt with disaster by linking my professional identity and my nom de guerre. I don't like pseudonyms and I don't like living a double-life. I'm not a keyboard warrior. I'm not a troll. I feel happier - after some initial trepidation - having as much of a unified identity as possible. Even an old colleague at HSBC - who I haven't seen for 12 years - somehow knew that I was briefly an electrician. What the actual fuck? I knew gossip travels faster than light, but that's ridiculous.

Is it that we are all applauding our colleagues who are brave enough to say "fuck the system" and go off and chase crazy dreams? We want to live a more exciting life - vicariously - through the people who quit the rat race. I'm that nutter who did iPhone apps, dot com tech startups, retrained as an electrician, was a whistleblower, became a novelist. People in offices with good 9 to 5 jobs just don't do anything that exciting or cool.

But, the reality is a lot more grim.

It's tough at the top. Being your own boss sucks. Dealing directly with customers sucks. Doing the right thing sucks. Being the odd one out sucks.

Alright, it doesn't suck, but the stress and the loneliness outweigh the financial rewards. Life is a constant battle when you're trying to do something different. Everybody's got 99 reasons why you're going to fail, why you should give up and why what you're doing is wrong and shit and useless and pointless. People goad you into trying, but then they secretly think "I'm glad I didn't try that myself" when things go wrong. I am glad I tried though. I am glad I've got those experiences, even if I'm left a little fucked up by it all.

So now, I've got this collection of awesome experiences. I've proven to myself that I can achieve awesome things. Problem is, it doesn't fit the mould. I haven't approached things from the usual angles. I've turned my hand to things that I thought I could do, and I did them. I succeeded, but nobody gives a shit. Nobody's ever going to ask me in an interview "how many profitable businesses have you founded?" or "how many books and computer games have you written?".

What now? What next?

When you do something different in society, you get a taste of freedom. You realise that things can be done. You realise you are capable. But... it will ruin you forever. The system doesn't want you back, because you're an independent thinker and you trust your own abilities. You don't need to prove yourself to anybody. You answer back. You're a dangerous inspiration to the drones in the hive: what if other people start questioning whether the 9 to 5 bullshit they do for five days a week is how they want to spend the best years of their life.

What's my plan? Milk the system for some more easy money and then go write more books. Buy a yacht and sail away. So crazy. So romantic. So unrealistic. But, what's the alternative?

Wage slavery and waiting for a retirement you'll never get to enjoy because you'll probably drop dead from stress before you get to spend that stockpiled lucre.

Tags: #career #writing

This is a story about insecurity...

Where does your sense of self worth come from? Are you good at your job? Are you a good parent? Do you do good deeds? Do you consider yourself virtuous, or at least not a bad person? Does the fact that you're loved by friends and family somehow make you see yourself as valuable?

What happens when you lose faith in yourself?

I lied as a kid. I lied about having a Game Boy. It was a strange thing to lie about, but I lied. I lied about having Sky TV and having videotaped a music video off MTV. How curious.

I didn't lie about being a doctor, causing deaths as I bungled patients' healthcare. I didn't lie about being a pilot, killing every passenger and crew member on board my plane. I didn't lie about being a financial whizz, building an elaborate ponzi scheme and lining my own pockets.

Why would I lie about such mundane stuff?

I stopped lying. I was happy with who I was. I was good at my job. I was good at some sports. I had girlfriends. I was getting paid what I was 'worth' and people valued my opinion... they sought it out. I was just me.

Then, shit happened.

Bizarrely - to me at least - I managed to pick up where I left off. It shouldn't have come as such a surprise, but the things that I was good at - before shit happened - I was still good at. The job that I'd been doing capably before shit happened... it turned out I could still do it.

Then, even more shit happened.

Digging myself out of that hole looked like such a long shot that I didn't even think it was possible to stay alive, to preserve hope, to go on. I didn't lie to dodge another bullet. I was a little economical with the truth, but I didn't lie. When my situation started improving, it was impossible to reconcile with where I'd come from. I went insane with the ridiculousness of the situation.

Then, yet more absolutely terrible shit happened.

This was starting to become routine. There was a magic formula that seemed to work time and again. This time I played to my strengths, kept my mouth shut when needed, kissed the right asses. Depressingly, it worked. Is that who I am now? The guy who's just stuck in a never-ending cycle of near-disaster and recovery? Bust and boom. Over and over and over again, ad nauseam.

Stop the world. I want to get off.

Who am I? I had a plan, coming back to London, and it's worked... in a way. As a friend said though, I can never quite get my head above water. I can get my nose just high enough to inhale enough oxygen to stay alive, but I'll never get my chin out of the depths beneath, let alone start to rise even higher.

I know who I was at times. There are identities that I can successfully emulate from the past. There are identities that don't seem to be me anymore. Perhaps I was never the person I thought I was at times. Perhaps I believed my own bullshit at certain times.

I know I should just let go of the past, forget about former achievements, status, comforts. Does it seem easy to just let your entire identity go and re-invent yourself... from nothing? Worse than nothing, in fact. If you let go of your advantages, nobody's going to let you off your disadvantages. My advantages are only just cancelling out my disadvantages, so I'd be screwed if I had to start over from 'nothing'. There's no such thing as nothing. Everybody wants a piece of me. So long as I have an address, somebody will be trying to track me down and suck the life right out of me.

Run to stand still.

It's amazing how hard you gotta work just to break even. Just to go nowhere. Fuck it's exhausting because it's not going anywhere. Hard work doesn't pay. Period.

Yes, I can look back on this or that achievement in the past. Yes, I can extrapolate from my potential. But neither thing is meaningful. Look around. Do you see anyone getting ahead?

I wrote a book. A whole novel. I don't even think it's terrible. Does that make me a writer, a novelist? In theory, yes, but if I was to commit to it, it would also make me a tramp, a vagrant, a bum, a loser. Is that what I am anyway? Is my true destiny catching me up?

No. Art is for the rich and spoiled.

Tags: #writing #depression #career

This is a story about data collection...

Here's a graph of my daily step count for the last 18 months, as recorded by my iPhone. I practically always have my iPhone in my pocket, so it should be fairly accurate.

As you can see, there are big gaps.

I've added a 14-day moving average to the graph too, which is the dotted line.

How do I interpret this?

The optimistic interpretation is that I was overdoing it last year and had a big crash. There's a little gap in the graph that you can hardly see at the end of October. I was in hospital then. This year got off to a shit start and then improved and stabilised, but I still had a hiccup at the start of October. The graph is much flatter on the right hand side - on average - than it is on the left hand side. Perhaps the volatility in my life has been reduced.

The pessimistic interpretation is that there's a strongly downward trend. There are also signs of repeated periods of inactivity: shit times. Perhaps there's a cycle that would be clearer to see with more years of data.

I could bring in my Android phone data which covers the period before this, and maybe some other data sources too, but it was a pain just to produce this. 

Interestingly, if you own a smartphone, you should be aware just how much it's tracking you all the time you carry it around!

Tags: #bipolar #mentalhealth #depression #computing

Contents

Chapter 1: The Caravan

Chapter 2: Invisible Illness

Chapter 3: The Forest

Chapter 4: Prosaic

Chapter 5: The Van

Chapter 6: Into the Unknown

Chapter 7: The Journey

Chapter 8: Infamy

Chapter 9: The Villages

Chapter 10: Waiting Room

Chapter 11: The Shadow People

Chapter 12: Enough Rope

Chapter 13: The Post Offices

Chapter 14: Unsuitable Friends

Chapter 15: The Chase

Chapter 16: Self Inflicted

Chapter 17: The Holiday

Chapter 18: Psychosis, Madness, Insanity and Lunacy

Chapter 19: The Hospitals

Chapter 20: Segmentation

Chapter 21: The Cell

Chapter 22: Wells of Silence

Chapter 23: The Box

Chapter 24: Jailbird

Chapter 25: The Scales

Chapter 26: Descent

Chapter 27: The Syringe

Chapter 28: Anonymity

Chapter 29: The Imposter

Chapter 30: Wish You Were Here

26. Descent

She could hear the car crawl to a slow and follow her at walking pace. She had grown accustomed to the sensation of being stalked, stared at. She could feel a pair of eyes burning a hole in the back of her head. With the subtlest of movements she looked out of the corner of her eye at the road. She didn't recognise the vehicle or the driver. There seemed to be somebody in the passenger seat too. The car drew level with her and the passenger wound down their window. She glimpsed short hair full of styling gel, a white tracksuit and prepared herself for unwelcome sexual advances from a dimwitted numbskull.

"Hey!" came a surprisingly hushed call.

"Psst!"

This was not how things usually went. Normally lecherous creeps would lead with their best line, full of false flattery and often beer-induced bravado.

"Hey you!"

It was irritating, but a different and more measured approach from what she was used to. She was sure that as soon as she even acknowledged their existence, they would launch their full chat-up offensive. This was just the preamble.

"Hey!"

She was sure that their patience would quickly evaporate and she would be loudly cursed as a "stuck up bitch" and the car would roar off into the distance with its loud exhaust and bass-heavy music thumping out from their souped-up boy-racer chariot.

"Nah, she doesn't want to know" said the passenger. It looked as though he was addressing somebody in the back seat. Lara risked another glance backwards and sure enough, there was another passenger, slumped low with their coat pulled up high around their face as if they were trying to hide.

"He says he knows you" the passenger tried again.

"Who?" asked Lara, now looking in through the car window and surveying the scene, while keeping walking.

"Sam" said the passenger, pointing his thumb at the back seat. "He's sick. He needs some help getting into his flat."

"Why can't you do it?"

"We're just giving him a lift home. We've got to be somewhere else, pronto. We ain't got time."

"Some friends, you are." Lara mocked.

"Look, just help make sure he gets in OK, can you? We could just dump him nearby, but there's no telling if he'll get into his place on his own in the state he's in."

"What's wrong with him?"

"He's just had too much to drink."

"That's a really shitty thing to do to your friend. To just dump him like that."

"He's not exactly a friend. We hang out, but it's not like that. We're doing him a big favour driving him home."

"Yeah, BIG favour" said Lara sarcastically.

She couldn't help herself peering in the back windows at Sam. He was very dimly aware of what was going on. His head drooped and his eyes were closed, but he wasn't asleep. He didn't look boisterously drunk or like he was going to throw up. He was just intoxicated.

"Alright how far away is it?"

"Just down in the town centre. Jump in."

Sam was reasonably well co-ordinated and not slurring his words. He didn't even smell of alcohol. He could walk and talk without staggering, but he kept slipping into a catatonic state. His sentences would tail off and he would be half-asleep on his feet. As long as she kept repeatedly reminding him where they were and what they were doing, she could coax him towards his front door.

"Come on, Sam. Nearly home!"

"What? Eh? Oh" he said, as he seemed to remember what he was doing and take a few more steps, opening his eyes a fraction. He leant on the front door, dozing.

"Get your keys out, Sam. We're at your flat. This is where you live, right?"

"Yeah, uh. Right" he fumbled in his pockets and unsteadily directed his key at the lock.

With the door flung wide open, Sam made a bee line for his day bed and collapsed on it face down, before rolling into a slightly more comfortable position. Lara was still stood at the threshold, gazing into the large loft apartment, taking it all in.

"OK, I'm going to close this door and go home now."

"Don't go. I need you" Sam said, holding up a hand and beckoning her in.

Lara took a few steps towards the day bed.

"What do you need me here for? You're home now."

Sam patted the bed next to him. Lara didn't get the sense that he was trying to get her to sleep with him, but that he wanted her to sit. She sat awkwardly on the edge of the futon.

"You're home safe now. You can go to sleep. You'll feel better when you wake up."

Sam now opened his eyes much wider and tried to look at her. There was a kind of fear that played across his face.

"You can't let me sleep. I'll die" he said.

"What are you talking about."

"If I fall asleep, I'll stop breathing."

"If that's true it sounds like you need an ambulance."

"No!"

"Why not? What's wrong?"

"Overdose." he said, with the effort of his honest admission seemingly causing him to slump. He relaxed. His face was tranquil. Lara leant over him. He was breathing, but very shallow.

"I'm going to go phone 999. You need to go to hospital" Lara stood up and walked towards the door.

"Nooo! Stay with me" Sam called out, reaching towards her from where he lay. She hesitated at the door and looked back. "I'll be OK soon. Just stay with me a little while."

Babysitting him while he fought through a near-fatal overdose, Lara was torn. She could see his lips getting slightly purple as she fought to keep him conscious enough to keep breathing. In waves, he would get so relaxed and comatose that he would sleep peacefully and could barely be roused. She would be close to running for help. Then, he would come round a little, gasping for air and she would plead for him to stay alert and keep breathing. She knew instinctively that in the time it took her to go away, find a phone and give the address, he could very easily slip away. It took little more than an hour before he started to come round, but it felt far longer.

The experience shook them both and Sam said that he never wanted to risk dying like that again. At first, he was resolute that he needed to quit heroin and that the close call was the wake-up call he needed. He was so grateful to Lara for keeping him alive and for avoiding a hospitalisation. Then, he explained that his body would start to go into a painful withdrawal and he would feel like he "needed" his next fix. Quitting wasn't so easy and he'd need to wean himself off. Would she help him?

He genuinely meant everything he said.

In reality, Lara became his regular babysitter, so that Sam could shoot up big doses of heroin, knowing that there was somebody there to keep him safe if he overdosed. At first, Lara didn't know it. She felt that she was helping him to get cleaned up and off the dope, but after months going round to his apartment almost daily, it was clear he wasn't giving up any time soon.

She adored his tortured soul and his fascinating life. She loved their asexual relationship, which still had a kind of comfortable intimacy. Sam's first love was heroin, but Lara didn't mind being his mistress. She felt like she could make a difference.

Eventually they quarrelled. He had no intention of ever quitting, she said. He did, but it was hard, he explained. He said he'd try harder, but he started to be more secretive. He hid his habit and Lara knew it.

"You'll always keep using if I stay with you" were the last words she ever said to him. He didn't even reply. His eyes were filled with tears, but he knew the truth. Perhaps he would quit one day, but that wasn't the path that their relationship had followed. He used and she was there to keep him safe. That was the way it had been since day one and that was the way it was always going to stay.

She'd gone back to the apartment on the pretence of picking up some things she'd left there, but really she was checking up on him. Making sure that he was OK. He was so alone. His mum had left when he was little and his dad had died leaving him the inheritance that paid for his apartment and his drug habit, but he had no real friends: only drug dealers and addicts hoping to mooch off him. He was no fool, so he didn't indulge the parasites. He had nobody.

Lara knew right away that it was different from the other overdoses that she'd witnessed. There was no life left in his body. He'd been dead for some time.

Poor little rich boy. He had a kind of infamy amongst the local drug users, with many plotting to rob and cheat him out of money. He was even known to the police as a tragic addict: a dead man walking.

By the time she had left him, she was prepared for the worst. Or at least, she thought she was. Of course his death was more traumatic than she could ever have imagined, but she knew that the burden of his life was more responsibility than she should ever have been asked to shoulder. She could forgive herself, but always wondered if things could have turned out differently.

Neil's behaviour was completely different. He seemed in control, even though he was unhappy. It was Neil's desperate wish to be happy and productive again that made him so different from Sam. The addiction that she'd known had no end to it. Without a doubt, Sam would take heroin forever, given an unlimited supply and no consequences. Neil was different. He only ever took his pills begrudgingly and always talked about "recovery". His mental health problems were just a blip, in his eyes. Medication was a means to an end: like a plaster cast on a broken limb, helping it heal.

It seemed unthinkable to Lara, the idea that Neil had lost control and was slumped somewhere, dead from an overdose. She'd known so many years of him being steady and dependable. She'd seen him go through depression and psychotic episodes. However, he didn't seem to be hiding a drug habit and it seemed unimaginable that he could have been consumed by an addiction so quickly that she would never have seen it creeping up. The evidence suggested that somebody flicked a switch and her fiancée went insane. It was impossible to know somebody so well and for them to hide a whole other side of their personality. She knew what addicts were like when they hid their habits.

She confronted Colin.

"You're not telling me everything."

He sighed. "What you don't know can't hurt you."

"If there's stuff you've found out, I want to know."

"I think we just need to let Neil go and keep our best memories of him intact."

"What do you know?" asked Lara, now looking horrified.

"It's a lot worse than we thought" replied Colin with a grim expression.

"I really do want to know absolutely everything."

"He was taking some highly addictive drugs. I'm sure he's gone now. We should probably talk about some kind of memorial service."

"I guessed as much. I've been reading about those legal highs and they're nasty. Not many deaths though."

"Yes, but he was getting some really dangerous ones direct from China at 99% purity. I'm almost certain he overdosed."

"How do you know?"

"I found some traces at the house. I'm so sorry, Lara. I've been waiting and hoping that the body will be found, so we can grieve properly, you know?" said Colin, his eyes pricking with tears.

"You're a good man, Colin. I don't blame you for not telling me" replied Lara, hugging him.

Next chapter...

Contents

Chapter 1: The Caravan

Chapter 2: Invisible Illness

Chapter 3: The Forest

Chapter 4: Prosaic

Chapter 5: The Van

Chapter 6: Into the Unknown

Chapter 7: The Journey

Chapter 8: Infamy

Chapter 9: The Villages

Chapter 10: Waiting Room

Chapter 11: The Shadow People

Chapter 12: Enough Rope

Chapter 13: The Post Offices

Chapter 14: Unsuitable Friends

Chapter 15: The Chase

Chapter 16: Self Inflicted

Chapter 17: The Holiday

Chapter 18: Psychosis, Madness, Insanity and Lunacy

Chapter 19: The Hospitals

Chapter 20: Segmentation

Chapter 21: The Cell

Chapter 22: Wells of Silence

Chapter 23: The Box

Chapter 24: Jailbird

Chapter 25: The Scales

Chapter 26: Descent

Chapter 27: The Syringe

Chapter 28: Anonymity

Chapter 29: The Imposter

Chapter 30: Wish You Were Here

19. The Hospitals

His first day in a psychiatric hospital had been spent as a day patient. The crisis team had arranged for Neil to get out of the house and see a different psychiatrist. They'd picked him up in a minibus from home and driven him to another local hospital that Lara had never heard of. It was surprising how many institutions there were in town, dealing with mental health patients.

A breakfast of toast and cereal was provided at the hospital in a large canteen with a huge bay window looking out onto a garden filled with mature shrubs and trees. The hospital itself was an imposing red brick Victorian building, originally built as a sanatorium. There were parquet floors and a grand staircase in the foyer. Otherwise, the hospital had been institutionalised, with fire doors painted glossy pale green, linoleum floors and lots of blue signs with white lettering.

After breakfast, the patients were corralled into a circle in the canteen. Tea and biscuits were served as a support worker went through the day's activities and asked who would like to do what. There was music therapy, art therapy and drama therapy. Neil said he would do all three.

There were long periods of time where nothing seemed to be happening and there was no sign of any staff members. Patients were hanging around in two rooms: the canteen and a lounge. The lounge had an array of different size and shape sofas around the edge of the room and a vending machine in one corner. A tall sash window offered a view out to the gardens on the opposite side of the building from the canteen. Nobody was talking to each other. Some patients sat completely still with glazed eyes, as if in a trance. Other patients paced around nervously, avoiding all eye contact and distancing themselves from others.

After a seemingly interminable wait - there were no clocks anywhere to be seen - a woman appeared asking for Neil.

"Are you joining us for music therapy?"

"Yes, I was going to."

"Well we're starting right now."

Neil followed the woman through a door. She seemed irritated as if he should know where to go and when. The music room was nearly full with about 20 patients holding instruments, sitting around a large square table. He didn't recognise anybody from breakfast. The room had a high ceiling and it was quite dark. The walls were covered with blue fabric covered cork-board and there were many crude paintings and drawings pinned up.

"Choose anything you want and we can start" said the music therapist, gesturing to a corner filled with an array of percussive musical instruments.

Neil picked up a tambourine and sat down in a free chair at the table. The music therapist sat at a piano and began to play a simple melody. Tentatively, a patient started to tap a bongo drum in a staccato rhythm that was not in time with the music. Another patient shook a pair of maracas at random intervals. Neil started to gently jangle the tambourine in time with the woman on the piano and she started to sing, presumably to amuse herself as nobody else knew the words or the tune. Everybody else in the room held their instruments motionless, except for sporadic flurries when they became emboldened enough to briefly make a noise.

Eventually, Neil got bored and started to beat time on the taut skin of the tambourine quite loudly. Following his lead, more and more patients started to join in with the rhythmic bashing of instruments. The sound built and built and the music therapist played louder and wailed badly out of tune. Finally, she stood up and gestured that everybody should calm down, gently shushing.

"We could wake the dead with that racket" she said, laughing at her own joke.

"OK that was a brilliant session. Please help me tidy away the instruments. Thanks everybody. I really enjoyed that."

The patients all disappeared in different directions and Neil made his way back to the canteen. Most of the people who he'd seen earlier were still there. Spotting the patient who had been shaking the maracas, walking through the foyer, Neil intercepted her.

"What happens now?"

"Well I'm just going outside for a cigarette. Get yourself a drink and have some cake. Then it'll be lunchtime."

A table in the canteen had been laid out with large plastic jugs of blackcurrant and orange squash. There was a chocolate cake and a victoria sponge that had been sliced into small portions on paper plates. Neil took a plastic beaker from a stack and was about to pour himself some squash when one of the catering staff rushed over.

"I'll pour that for you, dear."

"It's OK, I can do it" said Neil.

"No I have to pour it for you."

With his drink and a plate of cake, Neil sat down at a table with a girl who was fiddling with her phone. She looked up.

"Are you OK?" she asked.

"Yeah. Bit confused about what's going on. You alright?" he replied.

"No. I'm not good at all" she said, suddenly looking very worried. She studied the floor.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

She looked up momentarily, made a little half-giggle and then started fiddling with her phone again.

After about an hour of awkward milling around, a servery hatch was opened in the canteen and a trolley with knives and forks on it was wheeled out into the room. Patients started to line up at the hatch, where there was a hot plate and the catering staff were taking off the foil lids on a number of plastic containers. Neil took his place in the queue. There were a number of dishes to choose from including pasta and a meat pie. Neil chose meatballs in a tomato sauce, mashed potato and green beans, which were dolloped onto a large white plastic plate by a lady in a hairnet with a long serving spoon.

"Gravy?"

It seemed an unusual question, but the dish could certainly be improved with some kind of sauce. The lady poured thick brown liquid all over his food from a big aluminium jug. Lunch reminded him of school dinners, but not in an unpleasant way. There was a stodgy pudding with lashings of thick yellow custard to finish the meal and it was all washed down with tap water in tiny plastic tumblers, poured by one of the catering assistants.

As he was finishing his meal, Neil was approached by a camp man with a bright happy smile who almost danced into the canteen. Half lowering himself to table level but not sitting down, he laid his hand gently on the middle of Neil's back.

"You're joining us for drama today. Is that right?"

"Yep" said Neil, covering his mouth which was still half-full of food.

"OK perfect. There's only a few of us but we always have a lot of fun. We'll be in the drama studio in about 30 minutes, alright? Wonderful" he said, answering his own question.

Neil wanted to ask where the drama studio was but the man had skipped away before he could swallow his mouthful and call out to him.

"Oh good. You're here" the drama therapist said when Neil finally located the right room. There were four patients, arranged in a semicircle facing the therapist. Everybody was seated in the middle of a large polished wood floor. Around the edges of the room were chairs stacked up, boxes with hats, props and clothes rails with various costumes.

The session began with some icebreaker exercises where each patient had to say the name of another patient before throwing them a ball to catch. They then re-enacted the story of Goldilocks and the three bears several times, rotating the roles so that everybody played each character. The therapist prompted them with questions while they were doing this.

"How do you feel that your porridge has been eaten, baby bear?"

"Uh. Hungry?" Neil replied.

With more tea and biscuits there was a community meeting where everybody sat in the canteen and somebody asked a sequence of questions about whether anybody had any problems with the facilities or could think of any service improvements. The nurse and support worker who ran the meeting were met with stony silence.

Art therapy comprised colouring in with pencils or felt tip pens. Neil chose a picture of an orange tree and meticulously shaded every leaf. He had almost completed it when a man appeared at the door of the art room.

"Neil. Can I borrow you please?"

Led up two flights of stairs, the man knocked on a door.

"Come" came a voice from inside.

Opening the door, a young doctor held out his hand.

"Neil isn't it? Good to see you. Take a seat please" he gestured towards a plastic chair. "I'm Doctor Akinbole, a registrar psychiatrist here at the hospital. I'm hoping we can do something to help you today."

"Oh.. kay..."

"Now, I come across quite a lot of cases of young men. Fit and active. Productive and happy. Sometimes problems can materialise in your twenties. It's nothing to be ashamed of and I'm sure we can help you get back on your feet."

"Alright" Neil tentatively offered.

"So you've been working full time, you're engaged and you've been in a long term relationship with this lucky lady?"

"Yes, that's right"

"That's great. Great" the psychiatrist said, smiling.

"Well listen, there's a medication that's helped a lot of my patients in a similar situation to yours. It's an atypical antipsychotic, but it's very good with depression too and a whole host of mental health issues."

"Antipsychotic?"

"Atypical."

The psychiatrist reached for a book on his shelf and leafed through the pages.

"OK, what we're going to do is start you on 200 milligrams today, 400 tomorrow and 600 the day after. Then you'll be taking 600 milligrams every night. This medication is great because we can ramp up the dosage really quickly."

"What about all my other medications?" Neil asked.

"Well, we'd better keep you on those for now. We don't want you to have any nasty withdrawal effects. We can taper you off those gradually in future."

The psychiatrist was now scribbling in his prescription pad.

"Here you go" he said, standing up. "Any problems, just phone the hospital and leave a message for me."

"Thanks" said Neil, taking his outstretched hand and shaking it again.

"I'm sure you'll be feeling much better soon. All the best" the psychiatrist said, ushering Neil out of the door.

Descending the stairs and standing in the foyer, Neil felt very lost and shellshocked. After a slow and relaxing day, his consultation with the psychiatrist had been a whirlwind affair and he was shocked at how quickly he had now received a prescription for a third medication. There was also something scary and unpalatable about the word antipsychotic.

On the first day with his new medication he woke up with a very dry mouth and was very sleepy until late morning. On the second day, he struggled to brush his teeth and get into bed because he was fighting to stay awake. On the third day, he needed to go to the toilet during the night and found that he was confused and staggering like a drunk. The dry mouth was terrible, he felt tired all the time and his appetite for chocolate biscuits became insatiable.

After some weeks, the side effects had not abated. Neil's life consisted of taking his medication at 7 or 8pm at night so that he could be awake for a few daytime hours, where he sat semi-comatose watching trash TV. Phone-calls to the hospital and messages had not managed to raise any response from the psychiatrist but eventually he spoke to another doctor. He was told not to reduce the dose, but he could split it into two or three doses throughout the day. This meant that Neil was half-asleep the whole time and barely conscious of what was even happening from one day to the next.

Two months elapsed and Neil was comfortably numb but there was no change or improvement. There was no way he could ever work while so heavily medicated. He booked an appointment to see his GP and halved his dose the night before he was due to see the doctor.

"I want to come off the quetiapine."

"Ok, but you can't just stop taking it until I write to the psychiatrist and ask his opinion."

"I can't stand the side effects and I have no quality of life."

"I understand, but we have to be very careful when you stop taking medications like these."

"It's not helping me. The side effects are awful. I'm just drugged all the time. It's like a chemical straightjacket."

"Let me write to the psychiatrist. I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Next chapter...

Contents

Chapter 1: The Caravan

Chapter 2: Invisible Illness

Chapter 3: The Forest

Chapter 4: Prosaic

Chapter 5: The Van

Chapter 6: Into the Unknown

Chapter 7: The Journey

Chapter 8: Infamy

Chapter 9: The Villages

Chapter 10: Waiting Room

Chapter 11: The Shadow People

Chapter 12: Enough Rope

Chapter 13: The Post Offices

Chapter 14: Unsuitable Friends

Chapter 15: The Chase

Chapter 16: Self Inflicted

Chapter 17: The Holiday

Chapter 18: Psychosis, Madness, Insanity and Lunacy

Chapter 19: The Hospitals

Chapter 20: Segmentation

Chapter 21: The Cell

Chapter 22: Wells of Silence

Chapter 23: The Box

Chapter 24: Jailbird

Chapter 25: The Scales

Chapter 26: Descent

Chapter 27: The Syringe

Chapter 28: Anonymity

Chapter 29: The Imposter

Chapter 30: Wish You Were Here

18. Psychosis, Madness, Insanity and Lunacy

"How did it go at the hospital?" Lara asked.

"Dr Asref has written me a prescription for two medications and he's made the referral to the crisis team" Neil replied.

It was the third time he'd visited the small community hospital as an outpatient and the second time he'd met the psychiatrist. Lara had never even heard of the hospital, even though it wasn't far from their home. The hospital mainly dealt with mental health patients.

The first appointment Neil had as an outpatient was for an assessment with a mental health nurse, 8 weeks after his doctor had made the referral to psychiatric services. He'd spoken to the nurse for about 90 minutes, while a trainee listened in and furiously scribbled notes. The nurse was kind and easy to talk to. He seemed to know exactly what kinds of things Neil was going through and was able to second guess what Neil was about to say, which made Neil relaxed and chatty for the first time in months.

The second appointment was with the consultant psychiatrist. He was not particularly conversational and seemed to be almost rambling to himself about various diagnoses and treatment regimens. He had presented Neil with a stack of photocopies of information on various medications and the consultation was suddenly over. Neil was confused and a little cut adrift. Asking what happened next, he was told to wait for another appointment where he could say which medication he'd like to try.

"Did you get the mirtazepine?" asked Lara.

"Yeah, but the consultant said I should take venlafaxine with it"

"Two medications?"

"That's right" said Neil, rattling two boxes of pills at Lara with a grin.

He seemed happier but his behaviour was worryingly erratic and childish. He would say and do regrettable things with no care for the consequences, or he would burst into tears and leave things in a mess if anything didn't go well.

One day, Neil had suddenly decided to demolish the garden shed with the supposed intention of building another one, but he hadn't purchased any materials to construct a replacement. Lara found him in bed when she got home, dreadfully upset and stressed about what he had done. That evening, she had to move the contents of the shed that could be damaged by rain and store them in the spare bedroom, while Neil cowered under the duvet.

His energy levels had improved, but often he would stay awake all night on the Internet. When Lara came home he would want to tell her about all the things he'd found out about UFOs, conspiracy theories, quantum physics, stock market trading and chaos theory. Neil's eyes would be flashing wide with wonder and excitement, but his thoughts were jumbled up and he was talking so fast she could only pick up every third word. He would get frustrated that she wasn't understanding and storm off in a huff.

"Did you get a new diagnosis?"

"He can't make up his mind. He said he's still convinced that it's major depressive disorder, but he also mentioned borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. He wants to treat me as if it's treatment resistant depression" Neil replied.

"Who are the crisis team?"

"Well, it's a number to phone if I'm thinking about hurting myself"

"Are you still having suicidal thoughts?"

"Not really. I'm too busy with my project"

Since losing his job Neil had been obsessed with the idea of creating an out-of-the-box security system bundle that would include wireless CCTV and motion sensors. The house had become increasingly full of equipment from Far-East manufacturers that Neil was tinkering with. Lara worried about how much it was all costing. How did he intend to sell this system if he could even make it work?

"Can I have the crisis team number?"

"Yeah. I'm supposed to give it to you and family so they can phone if they're worried about me" he replied. "And to any employer, but I don't want work sending round their goons to spy on me" he spat.

Neil's employer had become concerned that he hadn't turned up for work and had called his emergency contact - Lara - to see if he was OK. Lara was working and hadn't been able to answer her mobile, so the police had been phoned out of concern for Neil's welfare.

Neil had ignored the knocking on the front door, hoping that the police would just go away. A neighbour let the police into the back garden and they jumped over the fence. Neil heard the officers shouting at the back of the house and knocking on the back door. Yelling from the back windows, the police had insisted he come to the door so they could see he was OK. Neil had begrudgingly complied.

Lara was weary from constant worry about how Neil. She was very much relieved that there was now somebody else to contact in an emergency.

"People care about you, Neil." said Lara.

"Why are you using my name?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is there anybody else here? Why have you got to refer to me by name?"

"I don't know what you mean"

"You're so fucking patronising" said Neil, storming off.

Lara could hear him go into the box room upstairs. She knew he would be pretending to fiddle with stuff, brooding angrily. He would probably sleep in the guest bedroom again, even though it was packed with junk and the bed was covered with stuff from his project. Perhaps he would be awake all night surfing the Internet, following some thread that captivated his interest. They were definitely not going to have any further cordial discussion tonight.

Picking up the tablet on the coffee table - an impulse purchase that Neil had made - Lara searched the Internet. Typing "borderline personality disorder" she wondered what borderline meant. Did it mean that it was a milder form of the illness? As she read the symptoms she decided that it didn't really seem like Neil at all. They'd been together for so many years and they were engaged to be married. The part about unstable relationships didn't seem to fit at all.

Searching for "bipolar disorder" she came across a number of symptoms that sounded much more like Neil's recent behaviour. Rapid speech and disordered thinking, irritability, spending money and risk taking. She read the word "hypersexuality" and felt a knot in her stomach. He'd shown relatively little interest in her recently, but she knew he was watching more and more pornography. With a kind of shamelessness she heard him masturbating at night and found discarded tissues littering the floor. He made little effort to hide his Internet browsing history.

"Delusions of grandeur" and "psychosis" were things that were a little hard to place. Lara had worked a night shift and she heard him on a phone conference call during the day with his boss and human resources. Neil had ended up yelling about how he knew more than "all of you put together" and how he would create a competitor company that would "crush you like a bug". She knew that he had become frustrated and enraged by the conversation which had been ostensibly about sacking Neil, but his crazed response was completely out of character. She put it down to the extreme stress of the situation.

He was withdrawn and distant. It seemed inconceivable that he would be hearing voices or suffering with hallucinations. In her eyes, Neil was still strong, rational, intelligent and in control. She trusted him. They had always been open with each other about household finances and shared the burden of balancing the books. Even though she was cross that he'd thrown away his job, she thought that it was necessary for Neil's health and that he'd easily get more paid employment when he was ready to go back to work. They had enough savings to cushion their loss of earnings in the short term.

Two days later, Neil had disappeared.

"What do you think I should do?" Lara asked on the telephone.

"Have you rung the crisis team?"

"No. I don't know what the best thing to do is"

"Well, he didn't like it when the police got involved" Neil's dad replied.

Neil's dad was a practical man and had become a useful person to phone when she didn't know who else to speak to. Lara's parents were very sympathetic towards Neil, but it meant that they tended to share and exacerbate her worries rather than offering simple clear-cut advice.

The crisis team had promised to arrive within an hour. That was early on a Saturday morning. Neil had returned home in the afternoon, but had barricaded himself in the box room and refused to talk to Lara. Some eight hours after she had originally got in contact, there was a knock at the door.

"Hello, Lara?" asked a balding man, slightly overweight and wearing rimless spectacles. A mousey woman waited nervously behind him in the darkness, clutching a bulging ring binder.

"Yes, Hi"

"I'm Dan. This is my colleague Sue. Can we come in?"

"Please. Please do. I've been waiting all day" said Lara, ushering the two visitors into the hallway. "Neil, there are some people here to see you" she called upstairs.

Dan and Sue stood awkwardly and Lara gestured towards the snug, where they entered and sat down.

"Sorry... Lara was it?" Dan said.

"Yes, Lara"

"We had a number of urgent calls come in."

"That's fine."

"I'm a social worker and my colleague Sue is a nurse. We're here to make an initial assessment and see how we can help. Can you tell me what's been going on? It's Neil isn't it?"

"Yes, it's Neil I phoned about."

Lara noticed that Neil was hovering by the door.

"Ah Neil. These people are from the crisis team. They're here to see if you're OK."

"I'm not" said Neil, half entering the room but not sitting down, surveying the scene with distrust.

"Hi, Neil. I'm Dan. This is Sue" said the social worker, leaping to his feet and offering his hand. Neil took it and shook it. Sue half stood up, but remained quietly in the background. "Can you tell us what's been happening with you?"

"I can't cope anymore. I feel desperate. Suicidal"

"I'm sorry to hear that, Neil. How long has this been going on for?"

"On and off for months. It got really bad this week."

"OK, I need to ask you some basic questions." said Dan, now looking at Sue. Sue opened her binder and readied her pen.

"Do you know what day it is today?"

"Yes. It's Saturday the 20th of August, 2016."

"Do you know who the Prime Minister is?"

"David Cameron. No, er, I mean Theresa May"

"OK, and where are we?"

"We're in my house"

"Are you hearing or seeing anything unusual. Any voices?"

"No"

"Are you receiving any instructions, do you believe you are able to make people say or do things you want?"

"No"

"Is there anything you're anxious or concerned about right now?"

"I'm worried I'm going to kill myself"

"OK. Thanks, Neil" said Dan, glancing at his colleague. "It says in my notes that you've never been in hospital, because of your illness. Is that right?"

"Yeah, that's right. I've never been in hospital in my life except as an outpatient."

"Well, I think the safest place for you right now is at home. Where your partner and family can keep an eye on you. The crisis team can come and check on you, to make sure you're OK. How does that sound?"

"I want to die"

"OK well psychiatric hospitals are pretty crazy places. You wouldn't get a lot of rest there. The staff don't have a lot of time to help everybody. You'll be much better looked after at home. Do you have anything to help you sleep?"

"I've got mirtazepine. That makes me really sleepy"

"That's great. Do you know where it is?"

"It's on my bedside table."

"Lara, do you want to get it for Neil? And a glass of water" Dan prompted.

While Lara was gone, Dan and Sue sat quietly smiling and then Sue's mobile phone rang. She stepped out of the room and let herself out of the house while taking the call.

Lara returned with the medication and a drink.

"OK, Neil. What you're going to do is take your usual medication and then we're going to come and see you tomorrow and the day after. We're going to come and visit you here at home every day until you're feeling better."

Sue now let herself back into the house and popped her head around the door.

"Dan, we've got to go."

"Alright, sorry it was such a flying visit, but we have to attend to an emergency situation" said Dan, standing up and smiling. Pausing for a moment and taking on a more serious expression he said "everything's going to be OK. Hang tight. We'll be back tomorrow."

"OK, thanks" said Lara, following Dan to the door. Sue was already outside, eagerly wanting to get away. Neil was sat on the sofa, a little dumbstruck by the whole experience.

The front door closed, Lara returned to the snug.

"That went OK. There'll be somebody coming to check on you every day. That's reassuring isn't it?"

Neil simply looked at her blankly and then went upstairs to bed.

Next chapter...

Contents

Chapter 1: The Caravan

Chapter 2: Invisible Illness

Chapter 3: The Forest

Chapter 4: Prosaic

Chapter 5: The Van

Chapter 6: Into the Unknown

Chapter 7: The Journey

Chapter 8: Infamy

Chapter 9: The Villages

Chapter 10: Waiting Room

Chapter 11: The Shadow People

Chapter 12: Enough Rope

Chapter 13: The Post Offices

Chapter 14: Unsuitable Friends

Chapter 15: The Chase

Chapter 16: Self Inflicted

Chapter 17: The Holiday

Chapter 18: Psychosis, Madness, Insanity and Lunacy

Chapter 19: The Hospitals

Chapter 20: Segmentation

Chapter 21: The Cell

Chapter 22: Wells of Silence

Chapter 23: The Box

Chapter 24: Jailbird

Chapter 25: The Scales

Chapter 26: Descent

Chapter 27: The Syringe

Chapter 28: Anonymity

Chapter 29: The Imposter

Chapter 30: Wish You Were Here

17. The Holiday

"What do you mean you're not offering the service anymore?" Neil asked as courteously as he could, although he was aware that his question was put through gritted teeth and a fake smile that looked more like a grimace.

"It's not something this post office is doing anymore."

"But when we spoke, you said you were able to receive my mail."

"Yes, but then I discussed it with my manager and he contacted the regional manager and we decided that our branch was too small to offer the service."

"So what's happened to my mail?" asked Neil.

"We had to return it to the sender."

"OK. Thank you" Neil said curtly, tapping the counter top lightly as he turned and left. There was no way he could conceal his annoyance but he knew there was no sense in kicking off, creating a scene. He knew that if he pressed the matter further it was likely that the other post offices in the area would be told they couldn't accept poste restante mail.

It wasn't a complete disaster but having to wait a couple of weeks for two envelopes to wing their way around the globe would be agonising.

"Why didn't you deal with this earlier?" he muttered to himself under his breath on the street outside.

The town was filled with market day traders and shoppers and he was drawing unwanted attention to himself as he walked slowly along the pavement. His cheekbones stood out prominently on his face and his eyes were sunken in dark hollows. He'd been able to do little more than smear dirt around his face with a wetted rag and his baseball cap did little to hide his greasy matted hair. Now back in the open, his odour wafted away in the breeze, but the person who had queued behind him in the post office had left a considerable gap because Neil desperately needed a wash.

Neil had not planned on buying more than a plastic bag full of food & drink as soon as he had collected his third envelope. He hadn't really got a plan B. He'd been worried that there would be a problem at one of the post offices, but he was also desperate for things to go his way. Today, they hadn't. He was still dealing with his disappointment and annoyance. He wasn't thinking clearly.

Walking all the way back to the van, he cursed under his breath.

"Fucking hell. What a fucking shit. What a fucking pain in the arse. Shit. Fuck. Piss. Bollocks."

He'd started to walk more briskly now that he knew what must be done, but he had none of the energy and sense of urgency that he would usually have when returning with his envelope. He stared down at the pavement a little way ahead of him, blinkered to everything around him, lost in a world of his own.

"What an absolute shit. What a total fuck up" he muttered.

Finally reaching the van, he opened the back doors and got out a small blue rucksack. He slammed the door closed and locked it. He raised his eyes momentarily, realising he was drawing attention to himself on the quiet residential back street where he had parked. There didn't seem to be anybody around.

Jumping in the driver's seat, he got his laptop out and powered it up.

"Fuck. Fucking idiot country bumpkins. Fucking backwards cocksuckers" he said to himself, hitting the steering wheel and slamming the lid of the laptop closed.

Stepping out of the van and locking it, Neil now walked back into the town centre.

"What a waste of fucking time. What a waste of fucking energy" he muttered over and over again. He was passing people on the pavement again and held his tongue, knowing that a wild looking man talking to himself was liable to be alarming sight for the local people.

Entering a pub, Neil approached the barman.

"Excuse me. Do you have Wi-Fi?" he asked.

"Yep. For customers" the barman replied with hostility.

"Half a lemonade, please."

Unplacated, the barman poured the drink.

"And a packet of salt and vinegar crisps, please."

"That'll be two pounds fifteen. The Wi-Fi password is on the blackboard in the back by the pool table" the barman said, now satisfied that Neil had spent an adequate amount of money to be considered a customer. Too many people used the pub's toilets without even buying a drink on market day and he was not in a good mood.

Whipping out his laptop, Neil positioned himself with his back facing the corner of the room so that nobody could see the screen. Connected to the Internet wirelessly, he plugged in a memory stick and opened a password-protected document. Pasting links, usernames and passwords from his document into the web browser, he did everything that he needed to do within ten minutes. His lemonade and crisps were untouched when he left the pub.

The Chinese working day was over and it would take the postal service 7 to 10 days to deliver, which meant he had at least 8 days to wait. Envelopes usually cleared customs without any delays, but he was dreading the day when something went missing in transit or took much longer to be delivered than expected. 

Feelings of exhaustion and depression swept over him as he trudged along, walking the same route for the 4th time that day. He felt tearful. He felt anger and frustration. At times he would look up and glance at the people he passed. Was he angry with them? He was angry with somebody, everyone, anyone.

Driving back to the caravan he had the heater turned way up. He was sleepy and he wasn't concentrating. He got lost a couple of times on the back lanes.

"Stupid fucking time-waster. What a waste of fucking space" he yelled at himself.

Eventually he parked up in the forest. He didn't really want to turn the engine off because he was cosy and warm. He sat in the van as it got darker and darker and the warmth seeped away before stiffly easing his way out of the driver's seat and staggering back to the caravan. In the bedroom he wrapped himself up tightly in the sleeping bag and curled up in a ball. His hands and face were freezing and he was trembling. His whole body ached.

He woke up knowing he'd slept for a long time but he was still really tired. He was hungry and thirsty and he needed to go to the toilet. He felt cold but he really didn't want to get out of the sleeping bag because he knew it would be even more cold. He wasn't comfortable, but he wanted to lie there on the bed, curled up.

Eventually, the discomfort in his bladder drove him to get out of bed and go outside to urinate. He hopped lightly back into the caravan, hugging himself to keep warm even though he was fully clothed. Going to his rucksack, he went to the top pocket and pulled out a strip of pills. Popping two pills out of the blister pack he paused for a second and then popped out two more. He paused again and then popped out a fifth. Necking the tablets, he then looked around for a bottle with any liquid left in it. There was a water bottle with barely a mouthful left, which Neil snatched up, unscrewed the cap and tipped into his mouth with his head back, swallowing.

After a cursory glance around confirmed there was nothing else to drink in the caravan, he returned to bed. Soon, he fell into a comfortable drugged sleep. He woke up feeling groggy and hung over. His thirst and his hunger were now unbearable, but he slowly surveyed the scene of the caravan with one eye open, groaning as he rolled over in his sleeping bag. Eventually, he dragged himself out of bed.

Unsteady on his feet, he straightened out his clothes and sighed. Rummaging in his rucksack, he pulled out the black duffel bag and left the caravan.

In the car park by the convenience store in the first town he'd visited, he knew he was taking a huge risk, but he desperately needed supplies. He felt hot and cold flushes and his joints ached. He was weak and he shuffled along, but he didn't have far to walk to get to the shop and to drag his bag back to the van.

In the shop he bought a 5 litre bottle of mineral water, shower gel, deodorant, disposable razors, toothpaste and a toothbrush, toilet roll as well as 10 cans of caffeinated energy drink, a large bottle of cola and several Cornish pasties.

"Big night last night?" the young shop assistant chuckled.

Neil replied with a grunt. He swayed a little at the counter as he waited for the items to be scanned.

"Are you OK?" the young man asked.

"I'm fine. How much is it?" Neil replied.

Packing all his shopping into the black bag, Neil was slow and clumsy. Other customers were waiting to pay, but he didn't notice: his mind was cloudy; he was sick and exhausted.

In the van, he downed an energy drink which slaked his thirst. The brief boost to his blood sugar meant that he felt OK driving back and he managed to drag the duffel bag into the caravan. After three bites of a Cornish pasty, he curled up by the dining table and fell asleep.

For four days he felt too unwell to leave the bedroom except to eat, drink and go to the toilet. He had cold sweats and his whole body ached. Waves of nausea swept over him, but he managed to avoid throwing up and held his food down.

On the fifth day he felt a little better and he thought about going home, to his home town, his house. Maybe he could get in contact with Lara. Maybe she would come and look after him. He knew it would be a horrible journey on public transport when he was still feeling very unwell, but he could manage it. Perhaps his journey was at its end.

He ate his remaining food, drank the last of the cola and had a couple of energy drinks. With the help of a couple of sleeping pills, he managed to get a good night's sleep.

Waking up, he felt refreshed and a little energised. It was a cold day, but he knew that he had to wash. Rinsing the soap out of his hair with freezing water gave him an ice-cream headache, but it felt nice to be taking care of his appearance after so long. He flanneled himself with a soapy rag, getting rid of the worst of the dirt and smell from his body. Brushing his teeth and spraying deodorant all over his body, he felt like a new man. He put on his set of clean clothes.

There was no doubt in his mind about what he was going to do next.

"Hi. Is there any post for me?"

With the envelope in his hands, he wasn't going to make the same mistakes this time. He rushed to the hardware store and bought some self-adhesive plastic to obscure the caravan windows, a stanley knife, a staple-gun, a bolt for the bedroom door, a screwdriver, a hammer, some masking tape, insulation tape and duct tape. He drove to the supermarket on the edge of town and parked in the car park. He bought 6 large bottles of mineral water, 6 large bottles of cola, 5 tins of baked beans, 5 tins of spaghetti hoops and 6 packets of salted crisps.

Driving home, he was struck with the urge to stop outside the fish & chip shop and get a takeaway. He bought a large cod and chips and a pot of curry sauce.

"You're looking well" the woman behind the counter said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I saw you in Axeton the other week. You looked like death warmed up"

"Yeah, I wasn't very well" he replied.

"Well, it's good to see you're on the mend. All the colour has come back into your cheeks"

Sitting down at the caravan's dining table with all his purchases, Neil unwrapped the paper of the first hot meal he'd had in over a month. The food had gone a little cold but delicious smells wafted up: battered fish, golden chips, salt and vinegar. He ate quickly and soon he felt uncomfortably stuffed, because his stomach had shrunk.

Why hadn't he just gone to sleep and then gotten himself away from there?

Now he lay contemplating his fate. He was a little appalled that he threw away such a great a chance to escape; to run for his life. For a brief moment, there had been a glimmer of hope, of redemption, but he hadn't cared at the time. He hadn't given it a moment's thought, but now he considered how close he had been to avoiding his current predicament, if only he had made a different choice that night.

Next chapter...

Contents

Chapter 1: The Caravan

Chapter 2: Invisible Illness

Chapter 3: The Forest

Chapter 4: Prosaic

Chapter 5: The Van

Chapter 6: Into the Unknown

Chapter 7: The Journey

Chapter 8: Infamy

Chapter 9: The Villages

Chapter 10: Waiting Room

Chapter 11: The Shadow People

Chapter 12: Enough Rope

Chapter 13: The Post Offices

Chapter 14: Unsuitable Friends

Chapter 15: The Chase

Chapter 16: Self Inflicted

Chapter 17: The Holiday

Chapter 18: Psychosis, Madness, Insanity and Lunacy

Chapter 19: The Hospitals

Chapter 20: Segmentation

Chapter 21: The Cell

Chapter 22: Wells of Silence

Chapter 23: The Box

Chapter 24: Jailbird

Chapter 25: The Scales

Chapter 26: Descent

Chapter 27: The Syringe

Chapter 28: Anonymity

Chapter 29: The Imposter

Chapter 30: Wish You Were Here

6. Into the Unknown

Going to university as a mature student had been hard work but a lot of fun. Lara was only a few years older than most of the other student nurses and their training wasn't like a normal degree course. 50% of the time the nurses did their university work in a building that was a long way from the main university campus. The other 50% of the time was spent in the clinical environment of the local hospital. Lara's university days weren't spent partying and skipping lectures - the workload was relentless and she was soon doing long shifts to gain all the necessary hands-on experience she needed to qualify.

With Neil's salary, savings, some money from her parents and a bursary, Lara and Neil managed to keep their home life relatively unchanged after Lara quit her office job to retrain. A little bit of belt tightening was necessary, but the couple managed to struggle through 3 years without Lara's salary.

Although she avoided living in a dirty and messy student house, Lara didn't miss out on any of the social bonding with the rest of her course-mates. During those three years at university, she made a lot of good friends.

After qualifying Lara's friends had been scattered all over the country. Some of them wanted to specialise. Some of them wanted to get jobs in particular cities or closer to family. There were a lot of jobs in London, which attracted many friends to move there, but Lara wanted to stay in the local area. For a lot of her friends, they were bored of the unremarkable university town they had spent three years in.

Working at a big hospital as a general nurse, there was a lot of variety in the day-to-day challenges. There were a lot of staff. There were a lot of departments. There were a lot of different procedures that could all happen within that large hospital building. The NHS had been closing smaller local hospitals, in preference for larger facilities, so that fewer items of expensive equipment had to be purchased nationally.

One of the few things separated from the general hospitals was mental health care. While the hospital had a handful of mental health specialists, they were in a psychiatric liaison role. Any physical health issues would be treated at Lara's hospital and then the patient would be transferred if they required inpatient care for mental health issues. There was a clear demarkation between general medicine and mental health and the few people Lara knew who had specialised in that area had followed a very different career track from her.

As a medical professional, Lara felt frustrated that she didn't know more about mental health issues and there was little opportunity at work to have a casual conversation with any of the doctors. The doctors in the hospital had specialised in the treatment of physical ailments, disease, surgery. She only knew a few doctors who she should speak to if a patient was behaving strangely. In Accident & Emergency the hospital would treat drug overdoses, alcoholics and people who had physically injured themselves while in a crazed state, quite often accompanied by police officers. The police normally had a better idea of what psychiatric issues the patient suffered from than the hospital staff. It seemed as though the police were at the front line of mental health issues.

Although she had bandaged lacerated wrists and dealt with patients who had swallowed handfuls of pills or poison by treating them with activated charcoal, Lara never really knew the story behind what had brought them to the brink of suicide in the first place, or what happened to them after they were physically healthy enough to be moved to a psychiatric facility. The patient notes for the nurses contained details such as blood pressure and medications. Very few details about the psychological problems that troubled these people were in the notes she saw.

When the weekend arrived, Lara found herself turning to the Internet to find out more about depression and how it was diagnosed and treated. It seemed strange that despite her training and experience, she should have to turn to websites for information, but she didn't know who to speak to. She knew friends had suffered bouts of depression, but it felt insensitive to phone them and say "Hey! You've been down before. What can you tell me?" Those friends who had become depressed never discussed the details of their prescribed treatment openly.

Lara knew her mum had become depressed after giving birth to her little brother. Her mum had sought help from the family doctor. Lara's mum said that a little time talking to the doctor about her feelings had been exactly what she needed. That was over 20 years ago. GPs didn't have much time to talk to their patients anymore. At the local doctor's surgery, Lara seemed to see a different doctor every time she visited.

Therapy conjured up images of whiney New Yorkers, self-indulgently talking about how their daddies didn't love them enough, on a psychotherapist's couch, spending hundreds or even thousands of dollars. Lara thought that to suggest counselling might make Neil more upset. Many people derided therapists as "quacks".

Having spent the week without socialising amongst their usual circle of friends, Lara now faced further isolation all weekend, as the couple cancelled their plans. There was little that Lara could do to help at home. Even asking Neil "are you OK?" could be a barbed question, when clearly he was not. It was very British to say "I'm fine thanks" as an automatic response whenever anybody asked how you were, no matter how dreadful life was feeling at that moment. Neil and Lara's parents had been raised in an environment of post-war austerity, where stiff upper lip and concealment of any inner emotions was considered the preferred way to conduct yourself. The touchy-feely stuff was not dealt with well by either family.

By Monday morning, Lara was relieved to be able to immerse herself back in her work. Throughout her shift she barely had a moment to herself to dwell on personal issues. For the sake of the patients and her team, it was imperative that she was positive and upbeat, concentrating, not distracted. She was expected to be a pillar of strength and exude confidence when patients were scared, in pain and discomfort. Context switching was surprisingly exhausting, but it didn't hit Lara until she left the hospital.

As the week wore on, Lara found that she was less and less able to carry the caring face she wore all day at work into her home. She felt like she had lost the support of both her partner and her social group and she could barely keep her own head above water. By Friday, some tiny slip of the mask must have betrayed how truly drained she felt, because the Ward Manager called Lara into her office at the end of her shift.

"Is everything OK, Lara?"

"My fiancée hasn't been very well for a couple of weeks, but I really didn't want to bring my problems with me to work, Judy, sorry" replied Lara.

"It's OK. You just look a little under the weather. I hoped you weren't coming down with something. Your work has been fine this week. No complaints from me" said Judy.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just going to sleep all weekend and let my batteries fully recharge" said Lara.

"Well, look after yourself. Are you getting the support you need at home?" asked Judy.

"Yeah. We're getting by. I'm sure Neil's going to be feeling better and back to work soon" replied Lara.

"Neil. That was it. I remember you saying you'd got engaged, but I must admit I'd forgotten your fiancée's name. Any news on the wedding?" asked Judy, turning the conversation more light and casual.

"No, we haven't even started planning yet" replied Lara.

"Oh well. No rush" said Judy, glancing down at some paperwork on her desk.

"See you Monday. Have a good weekend" said Lara.

"You too" replied Judy, busily scribbling notes onto a yellow form she had been filling in when Lara had entered the office.

Lara fetched her coat and bag with some sense of relief, but also the nagging feeling that she had somehow trapped herself. Next week at work, she would have to work hard to keep a brave face on things. It would be harder now to admit that she wasn't coping well. All she could hope for was that things would be getting back to normal sooner rather than later.

Anne was hurriedly pulling on her coat as she jogged along the corridor to catch up with Lara, who was making her way to the lifts.

"What was that all about?" Anne asked.

"Oh, she was just asking if I was OK" Lara replied.

"And are you?" Anne asked.

"Not really" said Lara.

Next chapter...