This is a story about dying with dignity…
Continuing on with the theme of giving my readers what they want, I’ve decided to write about the most searched for thing which brings visitors to my website.
I lied.
I’m not going to write about the easiest way to kill yourself but instead, I’m going to write a detailed account of when, why and how I’m going to kill myself.
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If you came here looking for suicide methods, I wrote about that at length here.
If you still want more detail, have a read of this.
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Firstly, we need to acknowledge that life can be pretty damn abysmal, if luck doesn’t go your way. Sure, if you’re reading this then you’re lucky enough to have access to a computer, tablet and/or a smartphone, and you’re able to read. For many, that would be considered a privilege, but in reality it’s a curse: it would have been far better to remain stupid and ignorant, and not be troubled with existential angst.
Secondly, we need to acknowledge that there’s no legal or moral requirement to continue living, if life is hell. There’s no reason why we have to die of ‘natural causes’ in old age, which pretty much means dying in agony from cancer or some other dreadful disease, or otherwise dying when your body parts become completely worn out. Why would anybody go through life with uncertainty – a surprise death hanging over them at some unpredictable future date – and the inability to plan ahead?
Thirdly, we need to acknowledge that the freedom to choose is what makes us different from the beasts – the animals – who are driven by instinct; driven to survive at all costs. Why would we choose to act in a bestial way – barbaric and primitive; animalistic – when we are blessed with a huge brain and the tools of cognition and reason; advanced thought and language. We are able to plan, so why do we not plan our lives to include a predictable and known date of death?
Of course, my ideas are not original. There are plenty of dystopian novels, films and other art forms which depict fantasy worlds where euthanasia is part of those imagined societies. Of course, I’m not talking about euthanasia for you I’m talking about euthanasia for me.
If we recognise that the world is overpopulated, overcrowded, over-competitive, and that the natural resources of the planet are being over-utilised, then it seems like a very selfless and generous act, to quit living before becoming a burden on the healthcare sector. Of course, I’m talking about me and me alone here. I very much wish any older people who want to live as long as humanly possible, a long and healthy life. If you want to live, good for you… but I very much think that if you came to this website then you’re not 100% sure that living is for you. Anyway, this is about what’s right for me, and me alone.
As soon as I’m dead, my estate can be given to my sister and niece. My death frees up the resources that I possess, such as housing and a job, that could be utilised by a younger person. The money I hoard – arguably to protect myself from any period of unemployment, and for my retirement – can go into the hands of the living, instead of being hoarded in the hands of the dying. I can much more accurately plan for how much money I need if I know when I’m going to die.
I’ve decided that it’s too expensive to buy a house and have a pension. I had a series of major setbacks in my life, which wrecked my finances, and now it doesn’t make financial sense to plough all the money I need today into things which I might need tomorrow. If I’m going to live until I die of natural causes, I might need a lot of money, and in order to ensure my pension pot goes as far as possible, it’d be better if I owned my house and wasn’t paying a mortgage or rent anymore. Having a pension and a mortgage-free house would rob me of money which I need now while I still have my health. Why do I want to have housing security and financial security during a period of my life when I’m old and senile, in pain and discomfort; dying?
Also, suicide is a form of protest. Why should my parents enjoy dying before me, when they ruined my childhood, and consequently my later life? Why should my parents’ generation die without seeing the horrors they have inflicted upon the younger generation? Why should the capitalists continue to delude themselves that capitalism is a good system, when clearly it exploits people and the natural resources of the earth, to the point of irreversible devastation and destruction of our only habitable planet?
There’s nothing worse than playing by the rules of the game, when everybody else is cheating. Being an honest player in a rigged game is torture.
I’ve done the calculations. There’s no way I can keep playing this stupid game. I quit.
Did I mention dignity?
Dignity is important.
If your parents and the wider world have not given you the opportunity to have dignity – to live as an independent adult with an acceptable quality of life – then personally, life is not worth living. Sure, if your parents are neglectful, abusive, selfish, narcissistic shits who took no interest in helping you achieve an acceptable quality of life – helping you to live independently – then you might still have the opportunity to pull yourself up by the bootstraps; you might have the opportunity to work hard and get yourself to where you deserve to be, through sheer force and determination. However, you need to do the calculations. If your calculations tell you that you’d need to work 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, 13 months a year, for the next 250 years, in order to achieve financial security, housing security and other basic human needs, then you are playing a rigged game. This is not a case of petulantly blaming everything on our parents, although it’s undeniable that they deserve the lion’s share of the blame. No, this is not about expecting that the world owes you a living. This is simply saying that no matter how hard you work you have to run just to stand still; the game is rigged and you won’t accept it; you won’t play a rigged game anymore.
So that’s the why.
When is easy: my career spans four decades. It’ll soon be time for me to have a long-overdue career break. In the absence of any new route to earn money, which is not part of the capitalist society which I refuse to prop up any longer, I refuse to continue to play the game. Therefore, I just need to do the calculation to work out how long I can maintain an acceptable quality of life; how much does my minimum standard of living cost? With that number calculated, I can then set a very precise date for when I need to be dead by.
What about the how?
How is probably easiest of all. I often thought about cutting a carotid artery or jugular vein, but it seems far easier to simply swallow a deadly poison, such as cyanide, which is easily obtained. The how is really the most boring part of it all. Swallow something highly toxic, and it’s done… easy!
It gives me a great deal of comfort knowing that the remaining period of my life will not fall below a minimum acceptable quality. It’s greatly comforting to know that no poverty or destitution awaits me in old age. It’s great to know that pain, discomfort, illness, senility, incontinence and other dignity-robbing ailments of old age, will be completely avoided.
I know that some people want to live as long as possible, in order to see their children and grandchildren growing up and experiencing major life events – births and marriages – but not living so long that they see their houses get destroyed by rising sea levels and hurricane force winds, and other destructive effects of man-made climate change. I know that some people want to live as long as possible, but not so long that they see their grandchildren selling their bodies in order to fund their education, and killing themselves because their zero-hours contract McJob doesn’t even pay enough money for them to feed themselves, let alone live with any dignity.
Nobody’s ever going to look me in the eye and ask “why the fuck did you decide to have kids, when you knew that the old people fucked up the planet good and proper, and robbed all the money and property, and expected to sit idle in their massive houses while all the young people killed themselves because they have no prospect of ever living independently with any dignity and an acceptable quality of life?”. I’ll just be dead.
Of course, suicide’s not for everyone. My essay is only about why I – personally – am planning on committing suicide. I absolutely – and without exception – discourage anybody and everybody from doing what I’m planning on doing.
That’s all about me, me, ME! I wrote some other stuff about suicide methods and how to kill yourself. if you’re in the mood to keep reading. Please keep reading or get in contact if you’re in crisis… or do something to pass the time. I find it incredibly therapeutic to write: it’s kept me alive (by a whisker) for many years.
Tags: #suicide
Comments
37 responses to “Easiest Way to Kill Yourself”
I know from your previous experiences that this is, and isn’t, a cry for help. I don’t know what to say that can convince you not to carry out your plan. Please don’t carry out your plan.
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Best after 2042. Definitely no best before date for you, sir.
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Life can throw curveballs, and hopefully there will be one, that for once enables us to continue living, and feel content to do so. I think about dying pretty much every day. But there is an odd instinct to keep going, hopefully you and I go on long enough that things get better.
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Thank you Nick. You’ve described your suffering more eloquently than I could. I know how to go now x
I like your blog, you are a very good writer. I’m 50, got divorced after 23 years with her, she was emotionally abusive. We had to sell family home, now renting, no income, in debt, fed up and unlikely to find a job after running own very small business for last 14 years. Covid is going to see off a lot of people I think, once the redundancies start when furlough ends. So I really don’t see any hope for a brighter future. I’m not depressed (I don’t think), I just can’t be bothered carrying on. What’s the point? I’m too tired to start again from scratch, I feel like my life is one big fuck up, I’ve squandered great opportunities and now think I’ll just check out so I don’t have to keep plodding on, aimlessly. An aimless, plodding, miserable existence for God knows how long, or peacefulness. Is there really a choice to be made?
I actually could of wrote this, in fact I could of wrote multiple pieces you’ve written, I’ve been in the same place for a few years my plan is slowly coming together, your writing makes me feel comfortable like I finally belong somewhere, thank you.
Nick! Where have you been all my life? Now when friends question my “Ten Year Plan” I can just reference your blog. Oh, and thanks for the cyanide tip, but I think I’ll go with helium.
I strongly agree with you and i get such thoughts many times in a day.
just that i want to get totally get convinced before i take my own life.
it is started as i like my own death over living my life,I feel death is easy and peaceful over living a life which means nothing at the end.
Liked this post.
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I have a wife and four kids. Never been happy a day in my life. Its strange I have everything that is supposed to make you happy but I’m not. I would love to end my life. Only thing keeping my from doing it is my youngest child. She is only 5. I hope cancer or a heart attack takes me out to save the misery my children would have if I just blew my head off. Its funny, I don’t really have a massive reason why I hate living, I just do. Its like a bad movie that you want to fast forward to the end just to get it over with.
It feels like the only reason I exist is for other people. No real reason to live for myself.
Thank you your information helps alot inany way i feel if i want to end my life it should be my choice not everyone elses
Reposted this post.
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Liked this post.
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The hardest part is obtaining cyanide, otherwise its a pretty attractive method
God fuck you for waisting my times you’re
I’ve thought about death and dying for most of my life. I’ve decided I can no longer keep living for other people. It’s very liberating.
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do not do a clickbait. this sucks didn’t help at all :/
i’m so tired. what else is there? because it’s not in the cards for me.
i know this feeling. i’m only alive for my mom, so if i’m not living for me then…..??
Lost my wife. Lost all that matters. Am alone and won’t be missed.thnx
Please tell me the easiest way to kill myself !
I don’t want to life anymore
See you guys in he’ll on my way
Could u write more stuff bc its acc fun to read. It will also give u some sort of purpose so u can keep living
It’s sad that after so much, reading so much, most of these comments are about Matlab. I got on your blog thinking I might go ahead. It’s been on my mind for years that this is a bloody pointless existence. That the more time you pass with people and things, the more discontent is bred. Mr.Grant, thank you for remembering why you’re writing this. Thank you for writing well enough that you made me pause and finish reading this rather than bashing my head into a wall until it split open.
I need to stop the pain of living.
I have two pulmonary illnesses that is steadily making breathing more difficult.
I’m also becoming weaker as the chronic fatigue associated with one of the diseases gets worse.
It’s time to go.
What about a heroin overdose? I’d imagine that would be a painless way to go
How is definitely not the easiest.
Okay, like once I had this co-worker that wanted to die and she was crying and we caressed her hair and told her she had a lot to live for and she said we did not understand. Next day I get to work and my other co-workers informed me that she had been in a car accident and died. I think about how lucky she was. I have wished the same thing and I don’t ever get it. Next year I turn 40. It has been 40 horrible years. It’s like I keep trying. I keep working hard and NOTHING ever goes right. I’m exhausted. Some people are lucky enough to get their death. I sure hope mine comes soon.
I feel the same way. No reason to be here. With everyday that passes the agony becomes more intense. Just do not want to be here anymore. Everything I ever wanted out of life backfired so what’s the point?
To say life has thrown me a curve ball would be putting it mildly, more like a fireball. I’ve struggled with depression for the most part of my existence. During my childhood, and teen years I was always puzzled by the meaning of happiness, and for the most part felt as though I did not fit in, but struggled to do so nonetheless. Now As a middle age adult, sometimes I feel That my shelf life has long expired.
Only to be fair and continue my previous comment, I have considered suicide many times, but I still think I don’t see enough to go through with it. It’s not fear, it’s not attachment to life and nothing like that. I am not even religious, but as a person, I JUST DO NOT KNOW OR SEE ENOUGH TO COMPARE MY ACTUAL PRESENT SITUATION TO SO MANY OTHERS I HAVE NEVER LIVED. It’s just common sense.
I just want to kill myself
I’ve devoted my life to a man who doesn’t love me anymore. I was always honest and faithful. All he does is lie and cheat. Talk about playing a rigged game. No matter what I do, I cannot force him to love me. After fifteen long years, I’m too old, ugly, and broke to start over again. I couldn’t give him children so I’m not leaving anyone behind who depends on me. He doesn’t care if I’m dead, either. There’s no one to even miss me. Just trying to find an easy way to do this as my previous attempts have been foiled….
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Thanks,what a completely f&£Ed species we are,I grew up with a c”@t who told me all the time that I was a little c£)t,all we do is come up with new ideas how to blow one another to bits,I’m done,I’ve donated my physical shell to medical science,thank you what you said is how I feel
Fuck off with your shitty clickbait cunt
good on you go for it i feelt he same, life is bullshit, let al be honest for once eh?