This is a story of fear, lies and insecurity...
I once used the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition) to decompose, deconstruct, examine and criticise my ex's behaviour. I should have turned that spotlight on myself, instead. People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
I have lived a lot of my life with fear, guilt, self-loathing and insecurity. It dominated every waking hour of my life, which was pretty unbearable. I was a pathalogical liar, manipulator, bully, cheat and child.
Yes, that's right, I was a child. Up until the age I could legally drink (18 in the UK) I was growing up. I'm not 'grown up' now, but there was a turning point around the time of my late teens, which began a process of change, from child to adult.
As a kid, I used to lie about having Sky TV, owning a Game Boy and even about the size of my hard disk drive (fnarr, fnarr). I used to feel unworthy of having friends, a girlfriend, and instead cultivated a self-protecting "if you don't need me, I don't need you" isolationism, where I used to spend long periods lost in my own thoughts. I was so lost in my own thoughts, my parents even had my hearing tested, as it would take me a few moments to return to reality from my daydreams.
I remember my Mum being horrified that I seemingly lacked empathy for my tormentors. Two boys who were particularly vicious and violent towards me, and made my life hell, were apparently thin, pale and emaciated, from an unpleasant home life. Unfortunately my unpleasant school life blinded me from these facts, at the time, and I failed to share my Mum's feelings of protectiveness for these bullies.
I think I would have developed into a cruel and bullying boss and CEO if it had not been for an unexpected event in my late teens, which was at once both life-changing, but also potentially life-destroying.
3,4-methylenedioxy-methamphetamine is something I can correctly type from memory, because it is intractably linked to a turning point in my life. It's a bitter medicine to swallow, literally and figuratively - plant alkaloids are extremely unpleasant tasting, and Leah Betts had recently died when I took this substance for the first time - but the "empathy pill" or "love drug" literally changed my life overnight.
Before I continue, you should know that I had never abused drugs before taking MDMA, and I more or less ceased taking Ecstasy only a year or so after my first experience with it. What is written about drugs and addiciton being dangerous and life-destroying is true, and I am very glad that I didn't graduate onto drugs like Ketamine, which has caused irreparable urological damage to the bladder of many clubbers and ravers, and harder drugs that have destroyed countless lives.
There are no words sufficient to express the veil that was lifted as I 'came up' 45 minutes after ingesting a Mitsubishi Turbo pill, in a dark nightclub under a railway arch near Vauxhall, London. Pounding Trance music and sweaty bodies filled a space, way beyond the legal capacity of the venue. I was terrified by the setting, before my friend John even produced an innocent looking tablet on the palm of his outstretched hand.
We should be mindful of the dangers. Leah Betts was killed by a lack of blood supply to her brain, when it swelled up and squashed the artery entering her cranium. She unbalanced the osmotic processes in her body by drinking ~6 litres of water in the space of only a couple of hours. I can understand why she did it. The drug is hyperthermic and diuretic, which means you get hot - so you want to drink more fluids - but you don't feel like you need to pee.
Addiction is also a huge danger. Look again at the chemical name. It has methamphetamine on the end of it. The drug is basically Crystal Meth with a Phenethylamine ring bolted on to it. How else can people dance for 12 hours nonstop to monotonous minimalist electronic music?
Luckily for me, the confidence, energy & lightness in my limbs, the euphoria, the nonsensical "liking" of a chemical substance is the hallmark of an addictive Dopaminergic agonist or reuptake-inhibitor... all these things were of secondary importance to the main event: I felt loved and secure and happy and I felt empathy towards every person, regardless of looks, age, colour, creed, political leanings or socioeconomic background, citizenship, perceived intellect or subcultural references in their clothes, piercings and tattoos - including myself - we are often unable to stop judging and accept our own selves.
As ravers, we used to say "PLUR": Peace Love Unity Respect. I think this is a good motto for life #dontbeevil
Tags: #london #drugs #addiction #childhood #bullying #mentalhealth