This is a story about individuals and their identity...

This chicken has been excluded from school because its wild hairstyle is not in line with the dress code. Education and employment are all about conformity, and this flamboyant character is causing dissent amongst the ranks.

There are lots of choices to express your individuality, without falling foul (sic.) of the rules:

• Trousers can be black, navy blue or grey. No jeans/denim/tracksuits
• Socks can be black, navy or grey. No patterns
• Shoes can be black or brown. They should be formal lace-ups. No velcro. No trainers.
• Shirts should be white, long-sleeved and with a collar. No patterns or textures allowed.
• Jumpers must be V-necked and in plain grey, black or navy blue. No logos.
• Waistcoats should be black, navy or grey.
• Jackets should be grey, black or navy. They should be single breasted with plain buttons. There must be a lapel/collar.
• Ties and other neckwear can only be the approved item in the correct corporate colours
• No jewellery
• No visible tattoos
• No make up
• Haircuts should be short back & sides for boys
• Girl's haircuts should be dull as fuck
• Any other kind of fashion accessory is forbidden, with extreme prejudice

As you can see, there are quite a lot of possible combinations and permutations to express your individuality here. Can you really say that the boy wearing the grey trousers with the brown shoes and the blue V-neck jumper, looks anything even slightly like the girl wearing the navy blue trousers and blazer? No way!

Once, there was a boy who had his nose pierced. He was burnt at the stake later that day as a warning to any other rebels. His screams of agony and the pungent smell of burning human flesh was the only way to send a clear message of just how important it is that we all stay within a narrow set of parameters. Non-conformists will be dealt with by any means necessary.

The names and dates of famous battles, or the deaths of kings and queens are very well documented, and would take seconds to look up in a reference book. The multiplication or division of two large numbers is something that a calculator costing less than £1 is able to do with perfect accuracy. Writing an essay about the third word, on the second paragraph of page 122 of a book, is not even going to be read. There is no point in hundreds or even thousands of students sitting the same exam... one of them can do it and then just produce as many photocopies of the answers as are required to satisfy the arbitrary requirement for questions with known answers to be written down from human memory.

When we later come to work, we can simply work out the asset value of all the buildings, land, machinery etc, sell it all off and divide the money between all the employees. In the case of banks, we can add up all the funds under management, and then just divide that up between every man woman and child on the planet. Probably about £12,000 each, just for the derivatives.

Given that half the world lives on less than $2 a day, once we've done this, we can all live for 25 years without having to do another exam, go to 'work' or stress out about any spreadsheets, promotions, kissing your boss's arse. Not just you, not just me... every single person on the planet, including the brown people who we don't generally give that much of a shit about.

I would pass some new laws. Anybody who asked you which Uni you went to, or what your A-level results were could be shot. Anybody who asks you in any way to jump through a hoop or roll over and play dead or generally act like a performing animal could be rounded up and euthanised. It's cruel to let these insane individuals, who think they're superior enough to sit in judgement over others, to continue with their delusions of grandeur.

Unless you're growing food, catching fish, building houses etc. etc.... basically, unless you can explain to your granny what the hell it is that you do, then you can either stop doing that and go get a proper job, or you can be shot.

All 'managers' would probably be the first wave of people who would be put into cargo planes and flown to sub-saharan Africa. Although some lions might choke on their biros and find their flipcharts hard to digest, I'm sure that society would feel immediate benefits.

A special team of assassins would be tasked to go round all the super-wealthy and ask them "did you earn your money?". Any kind of affirmative response would result in summary execution and reappropriation of the hoarded wealth. It's rather tragic to think of all those poor deluded individuals who think they worked harder than a malnourished boy scouring a rubbish dump for enough plastic bottles to pay for a mouthful of rice. The world will not miss those entitled little pricks.

I'm tempted to say that anybody with a face as smug as David Cameron's is clearly in line for the chopping block, but I suppose there could be one or two unfortunate individuals who just happened to be born looking like a silver-spoon in the mouth cockwomble. Probably best to just kill everybody who went to Eton, Harrow and Winchester, just to be sure though.

There would no doubt be total anarchy, chaos, lynching mobs, grudges being settled, looting, rape, pillaging... pretty much everything that we export today to the developing world.

I have no idea what I'm blathering about, but I'm just trying to take my mind of my sister, who's had her rent & bills paid, cars bought and maintained and regularly had her begging bowl filled by our parents, could possibly accuse me of being a hypocrite. I even put the deposit down on a car for her one Christmas. Perhaps she's been taking the same drugs as my parents.

Do I owe the world more than I've given? Yes, you're damn right I do. Have I been through hell. Yes, I've been through hell too, so there's probably some karma there. Are you God? No? Fuck off then.

Tags: #politics