This is a story about burnout…
Here I am, back in Cambridge, after 4 years of ups & downs. What happened?
Well, I got hit by a perfect storm. I could see the storm coming – I’m a sailor after all – but I couldn’t sail fast enough to get out of the way. Part of the reason for the sudden breakdown was uncontrolled self-medication with the GABA agonist, ethanol, which had suppressed my natural anxiety response until things were literally unbearable. The other reason is a lack of support from my parents. In fact, they actually undermined me and lied about supporting me.
Life is stressful. My sister is a single mum on a low income, working 6 days a week, going through a horrible divorce. That’s stressful. I was a startup founder, in conflict with my co-founder and my girlfriend, who were both pulling me in different directions and away from my investors in Cambridge and my customers and talent pool in London. That’s stressful too.
Our parents are always looking for the easy way out. They are not good at taking any responsibility, but I don’t blame them. Whatever it is that causes them to be so slippery at accepting that they have 2 children who need their support, I want to find out and help them. My sister is a supermum to her daugher, my niece.
Even though our parents don’t realise or appreciate it, we have been working so damn hard all our careers to make sure we don’t place any financial burden on them. My sister and I have suffered in our adult lives as a result.
Something had to give.
You should give your children enough to do something but not enough to do nothing. It’s as simple as that. If you don’t give enough to allow your kids to do something then you’re not a good parent. Simples.
My sister gives my niece a brilliant life.
So, I want to help my parents with their alcoholism. I want to help them see that projecting their inadequacies onto their kids is over-pressuring them. I want them to see that their kids are nice people who care about family and want to look after their parents in the manner to which they have become accustomed, but we are living in an age when the government has bankrupted the country.
Life is hard as a young person.
Baby boomers had it unbelievably easy versus the prospects that a young person faces today. The chance of a young person being debt free, owning their car, buying a house… these are pie in the sky dreams that will never come to fruition unless your parents are able to comprehend that their dreams of being idle pensioners are of lower priority than miserable deprived grandchildren and stressed anxious children, who have become parents themselves.
We have known about contraception and family planning for long enough, that there is no excuse for not thinking about the wellbeing of any children you might spawn. Having a baby does not make you clever. It means that your body did something that it was evolved to do… just the same as a slug, a pig, a fish, a bird. Reproduction just means that you failed to use your higher brain function, and acted instead, no differently than a fly laying eggs in putrid meat. Well done.
There are a great number of barely educated and underprivileged kids who are bored on housing estates and have no hope of escaping these sink holes. They are incentivised to perpetuate generations of welfare dependent and economically inactive families. These people have been robbed of the things that would enable them to work their way out of poverty and deprivation.
My parents both went to University, so they have no excuse.
I delayed starting a family until I had done more research into the genetic factors in Type II Bipolar Disorder, and had verified whether I could consistently manage my own illness in a stressful environment. Only when I know that I’m not going to pass on bad genes and I’m not going to have another stress-related burnout, will I consider stopping using contraception.
Condoms are a good thing.
My parents enjoy looking after my cat, Frankie, until I’m ready to be a good human to him again (August 2012)
Tags: #university #career #divorce #parents #depression #suicide #alcohol #addiction #bipolar #youth #sex #politics
Comments
6 responses to “Boy, Interrupted”
I was worried as I scrolled down what photo would follow the statement about condoms!
I agree with you that having children is a huge commitment and being a young person is really hard these days. Add mental health problems into the equation, and it becomes even more difficult to be “successful”. I felt a lot of pressure to live up to expectations and I burned out aged 21. I had another partial breakdown at 25. I have lost jobs and had to move back in with my parents because of my mental (and physical) health. At first my parents really didn’t get it, but they’ve come to see over time that pushing me will only make things worse. The odds are stacked against us as a younger generation and the government are trying to give all the money to pensioners while leaving younger people destitute. I try not to think about the bigger picture too much. I also agree that it is unwise to have children when you’re not stable in yourself. I am not financially or mentally stable enough to be responsible for a child – I actually have nightmares about being unable to care for a baby or animal and I get anxious when my parents leave me in charge of their pot plants. There’s plenty of other people having children and perhaps I don’t need to pass on my dodgy genes and deep-seated anxieties to the next generation.
Lucinda, I’m heartbroken that you’ve been through so much, when you’re clearly so full of empathy and compassion, as well as being so responsible as to rationalise away the biological urge to procreate. I’m so sorry that even caring for plants is a problem for your anxiety. Somebody very close to me suffers from periods of debilitating anxiety. It’s really strange that I’ve never actually seen it first hand. I have a working theory that I was self-medicating for anxiety with alcohol. I was actually hospitalised once, when I was age 4, with anxiety leading to malnutrition, due to unpleasantness around mealtimes: parental pressure. I know my parents tried their best, and I’m sorry if they end up reading this, but there’s no sense in sugar coating things for them… they certainly didn’t for me! I’m trying not to be bitter though oops! I really hope you are OK.
I take antidepressants which have destroyed any biological urge to procreate or whatever. It is slowly destroying my current relationship, but also ensuring I don’t worry too much about it. I figure I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, as depression doesn’t help relationships either. I just bob along these days, trying to avoid thinking too much. I used to get anxious about everything but I have learned to manage my life to avoid getting overwhelmed by having too many things to do. I’ve also realised that some things don’t matter as much as I was told they did. Severe anxiety is horrible. In my final year of uni I did start to lose the plot and couldn’t sleep and became paranoid I was going to die in my sleep or get really sick and miss all my exams or fail everything. These days nothing seems as important and I can sleep better.
That’s shocking that you were hospitalised at age four. But to quote Savage Garden, “I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do” because usually parents think they’re doing their best, even if their own problems and limitations prevent them doing a decent job. Mine aren’t really emotionally there for me but they’ve let me move back into their house at least.
My ex-wife conspired with my GP and my parents to have me removed from MY OWN home, and then immediately went on internet dating. Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to install a keylogger on MY OWN laptop, which she was stupid enough to use for her immoral act. Yes, my parents took me in on the basis of my ex’s demands, but they were used by her and the state. I deserve my independence… I worked hard enough for it! SSRIs are a terrible terrible thing. Have you read Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel? I can’t believe we are still prescribing such emotion-blunting and sex-life ruining drugs. The French prescribe a lot of Wellbutrin, which is fast-acting and makes you less sleepy. Improves your sex life too. We are really conned by big pharma at the moment in the UK and US. I am trying to forgive my parents for being conned by my conniving ex. Certainly, I agree that they did the best that they knew how, and it was probably cannabis/alcohol intoxication that caused them to not think through how my life would be affected by fairly obvious things.
I’m sorry you had such a shit time with your ex. I guess at some point people revert to doing what they think is best for them, without taking into account the effect it may have on other people. I’ve seen some really bitter divorces which put me off the idea of ever getting married. I don’t know what to say about your parents and their substance use. I would think it would cause their judgment to be impaired. Sometimes when people know you have a mental health problem they assume that everything you say and do is because you’re mentally ill so they maybe trusted your ex over you. I’ve known some very manipulative people who can be very convincing and convince themselves they’re right while putting their partner through hell.
As for sertraline, it isn’t perfect but it has helped me go from a nervous wreck to become a calmer more stable person. It’s hard to tell in my case though as I started taking it at the age of 21 when I wasn’t long out of my teens and all the mood swings and intense feelings that go with that. I don’t know whether I have matured into a calmer adult or whether it’s just the medication. Earlier this year I agreed with my GP to reduce my dose and pretty soon I started feeling more angry, but in a good way. I channeled the anger into tackling a problem I have with a colleague at work and the way she treats me. I spoke to my manager and HR and not much has changed but at least they know I’m not a pushover. I can see how the medication could be used to stop people complaining and potentially suppress dissent but I feel it is the lesser of two evils for me.
I’m going to write a blog post about all the different meds I’ve tried later today. Good luck resolving issues at work… it can be so life destroying if you are in conflict with somebody who you have to spend 5 or more days a week enduring.