This is a story about forgiveness...

I forgive people in a really weird way. I don't really hold a grudge per se. I'm just a bit stubborn and kinda expect the person who's 'in the wrong' (in my eyes) to initiate a conversation. I'm actually relieved when the silence is broken, and I'm understanding about most of life's pitfalls and difficulties - "I was going to pay you back, but then I got a tip on a horse that was a sure thing... Nick it was a SURE THING!" - and the only thing that I get upset about is being lied to or mugged off by somebody I've been really kind to.

I guess that's how forgiveness goes.

You start out a new friendship or whatever and you're there for each other. You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. Then one of you needs a big favour and the other says "no problem, mate". Slowly, you build up an increasing number of things you've done for each other - that precedent, expectation, trust.

Then, one of you fucks up.

Forgiveness depends on the quality of the relationship - all those things you did for each other - plus a general perception of good character, combined with how naturally forgiving, open minded and experienced with the indiscretion in question, will influence whether forgiveness is forthcoming or not.

But, it's a more complex issue than that. What if something of sentimental value got damaged? What if disrespect for a borrowed item was shown? What if you wasted a day, some substantial chunk of time and/or made a pointless journey due to a no-show friend who you can't get in contact with?

So, you're cool. You're laid back. You're easy going. You forgive and forget, because life's too short to bitterly nurture grudges. You want to trust and believe that humans are basically good people. You want to believe that people's conscience will motivate them to right any wrongs.

That's all well and good for the small stuff. Don't sweat the small stuff, right? The cosmetic damage to the thing you lent to somebody. The tenner a friend borrowed, but seems to have forgotten about. These are things that aren't worth losing sleep over.

Then there's the really big stuff. Disrespect of you, your home, a betrayal of important promises that destroy trust and - worst of all - the implied ingratitude. When you've gone out of your way to help a person and you're taking a chance, in the belief that the prejudice they normally encounter is unjust. What about that guy who just needs 20p for his bus fare home? If you offer to drive him home, you'll find out immediately if you were being duped. What about the friend who's had some problems with drugs, but who needs to borrow £500 for rent? You trust them - against your better judgement - but you find out much later that they spent the money on drugs.

There are a lot of things that are just water under the bridge to me - forgive and forget. I hope that those friends who owe me paltry sums of money, for example, are not avoiding contact in case I bring up the matter of their unpaid debts. However, I've recently been having to think a lot about my own behaviour.

There are things that she has forgiven, that seemed unforgivable to me. I'll always have that stain on my conscience though.

Tags: #forgiveness