This is a story about over-sharing…
I’m not really a self-conscious person or else I’d never write and publish anything, but I did have a moment of panic yesterday when I realised what a plonker I was going to look like, for writing about my most vulnerable insecurities, innermost sensitive thoughts and feelings, laying myself wide open for a moment of stunned silence, which would have been very embarrassing.
I thought about deleting my tweet which accompanied the blog post. It’s been ages since I thought about deleting something. I very rarely self-censor.
Being single transports me back to my frustrated and unhappy teens. Despite modest success in the world of dating and relationships, I still carry a huge amount of insecurity. I’ve never felt like “God’s gift” to women or that I have any particular attractiveness or charisma that means I don’t have anything to worry about. I’ve been told on plenty of occasions that I don’t have anything to worry about – that I’m good-looking – but I suppose whatever wounds were inflicted in childhood still haven’t healed.
I’m basically one big twisted knot of overthinking and over-isolated overgrown man-child. Growing up without any siblings until the age of 10 was hell. Being stuck in the company of my parents as they dragged me through 8 different schools and all over the bloody world was hell on earth. I have plenty of reasons why I should struggle to form normal healthy relationships with my peers.
I guess I got into technology because it seemed like a perfect microcosm that I could control. However, reality has asserted itself so fully that I can see that life is messy, and my reaction is to collate and publish all that mess for everyone to see. I’m using technology to gather together everything that I’m embarrassed about and really don’t want to be teased about.
What I write is an absolute goldmine for anybody who wants to poke and prod at my insecurities, to antagonise me.
The thing is, I write about this stuff as a pre-emptive step, so that it’s less of a big red button that people can press to get a reaction.
I’ve been relatively successful at positioning myself so that I’m never on the back foot like I was when I was a child. I refuse to ever be somebody’s plaything. If I’m going to act predictably, it’s going to be in accordance with my own predictions, not anybody else’s.
Pleasingly, the world has somewhat complied with my wishes. I’ve been able to enjoy social change, enabling me to be the passive one who has the enviable position of being able to reject, taunt, bully and tease, if I should so choose. It’s every bit as pleasant and comforting as I thought it would be, to have the tables turned and be the one with the power.
Am I applauding the existence of the patriarchy? No.
Am I very weird geeky guy who had a particularly disrupted childhood, which held me back from having a number of formative experiences, such as girlfriends at school? Yes.
The net result is that things that are normal for you have a different level of importance in my life. My entire self-esteem is based on whether I’m getting laid or not. If I’m not getting laid, then I assume that I’ve been plunged back into my unhappy adolescence. I assume that I’m once again the awkward social outcast that I was during my schooldays. I assume that I’ve lost all of my adult development and I’m doomed to live out my days in lonely singledom.
The net result is dating some very unsuitable women and having a lot of unwanted sex. The sex is symbolic. I have as much sex as I can get now, today, as over-compensation for the lack of it in my teens… as if I can somehow alter the past.
It’s strange psychology, but also very basic and simple.
Also, I shouldn’t write about it, but I do.
I sometimes forget that I pour my heart out like this. The process of emptying my brain out onto the page has become normalised. The fear of embarrassing myself in front of the entire world has long-since been forgotten. The concept of a world that hasn’t seen every flaw and downside of my character is long gone.
You’d think that my exposure would be problematic, but I find it easier to remain quiet and keep my mouth shut when I need to – such as in the office – by brain-dumping all of this stuff out publicly. I enjoy the open secret of it, although it does stress me out that one day I’m going to get into trouble.
Dating with this level of exposure is problematic. Dating is a thing that puts people in a very vulnerable position, and having a large resource of vulnerabilities published publicly makes me doubly vulnerable. I have no idea whether to offer up this blog as part of the package of information made available during the early stages of dating, along with photos and descriptions of what I do for money etc. which are usually expected.
Without too much digging, it’s possible to see me in a very unflattering light, but I also know that it takes bravery and courage to make yourself vulnerable, and I know that it’s rewarding to be brave and take risks.
For now, I’m just going to proceed as normal. I was very reassured to see that some people who I really like and respect had acknowledged what I’d written yesterday, but I must admit that I was seriously thinking about deleting it, because I felt like I’d made a fool of myself.
I find the world to be adversarial and hostile and I don’t like it. My reaction is not to be defensive, but in fact to do the un-intuitive thing and to lower my guard – making myself extremely vulnerable. “Do your worst” I incant.
Tags: #relationships #sex #childhood #parents
Comments
48 responses to “So Embarrassing”
Keep going Nick, your courage is appreciated as are your tweets. Always remember no emotional state in permanent, ride the feelings and stay strong
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“I also know that it takes bravery and courage to make yourself vulnerable, and I know that it’s rewarding to be brave and take risks”💯💚🌱
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A lot of people are insecure and lonely. Tbh I think it’s just normal to feel like that sometimes. I’d always prefer someone who’s insecure to someone who thinks that they can do no wrong and doesn’t even stop to consider other people’s feelings.
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Nick you won’t be ridiculed a lot of us have issues don’t be scared to reach out
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‘It takes bravery and courage to make yourself vulnerable’. That is how we see you, Nick. You are brave, courageous, and you say things which many of us don’t have the courage to admit about ourselves. And so, reading that entry gives us this vicarious catharsis. You help us, and we appreciate that.
I think you’re incredibly brave to do this, and you have so many friends around the world who love and care about you. I never talk about it, and when I tweet about the horrendous loneliness I feel, no one notices. Which leads me on a downward spiral that I’m sure you understand.
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Well done! You aren’t at all to be ridiculed, you are to be seen as the brave man that you are. In the Uk we are funny when it comes to mental illness although we are always happy to get our arms, legs plastered when we brake our bones. It’s no different, just unseen so thankyou
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Thank you.
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Glad that you didn’t delete yesterday’s tweet and blog. Your writing, insights, confessions, ramblings are very inspirational. Never feel embarrassed x
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Proud that you spoke up
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I think most ppl would agree with your point of view there Nick. It’s absolutely terrifying to be put in that situation. The unknown is very scary sometimes. You do what you need to take care of YOU first. Being vulnerable is super hard. I applaud your openness.
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Unfortunately, there will always be people that will ridicule you. 🙁 I’ve learned that not everyone plays nice. I’m sure many of us that follow you, see bits and pieces of ourselves, our vulnerabilities, and our insecurities, in your writing. As always, thank you for sharing!
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I am so glad you didn’t delete it – never be ashamed or embarrassed of anything you write. And rest assured, there is so much in each post I, and many others I am sure, relate to.
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We are all different. I believe you show courage with your writing.
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