This is a story about intolerable stress levels…
On the 9th of September 2017, I was in possession of a wallet containing my driving license, two debit cards and two credit cards, as well as my keys and some cash. I had prescribed medication. I had my smartphone, a laptop and a digital camera. On the 13th of September 2017, I had none of these things, and nobody could tell me where they’d gone – to all intents and purposes, they had been lost or stolen. Don’t ask me whether they’d been lost or stolen, because I didn’t know, despite asking anybody and everyone I could.
Then, I was muscled out of my office.
I was in a city where I didn’t know anybody, with no wallet, phone or internet capable device. My work colleagues were avoiding the office. You know those films where the person’s identity has been erased, and men in black suits are hunting them… that’s what happened to me: I was locked out from my life.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever tried to kill yourself, but you have to be in a pretty desperate situation, to decide to end your own life. Dying is a big deal: you only get to make that decision once. If you’re successful, there’s no coming back from a suicide. How do you think you’d feel if you survived?
I came to be wandering around an alien city, with no friends, family or work colleagues who’d help me or even speak to me; without cash or bank cards; without my phone or laptop; without my ID card – my driving license. What the actual fuck?
“Phone your parents”.
Yeah. Right.
Which is it? Am I mad or am I bad? My parents have made up their mind: I’ve been successfully faking a diagnosed mental illness as an excuse for my behaviour, apparently. It’s all in my head. It’s all made up. The quote above is what my dad really thinks – he was interviewed.
So, did I or did I not try to kill myself? Did I or did I not get admitted to the Intensive Treatment Unit (ITU) in a critical condition? Did I or did I not find myself in an alien city, without bank cards, cash, phone, laptop or any means of contacting anybody? Did I or did I not get muscled out of my office? Did I or did I not get turfed onto the street, and was expected to just deal with this clusterfuck?
Luckily, I’m an evidence gatherer, so I have all kinds of documents and other things – like the plastic bag pictured above – which are helping me to piece together the picture of what exactly happened during a period where I went from having a girlfriend, friends, apartment, job and an identity, to suddenly being completely destitute – no fixed abode, no nothing. My world fell apart in the blink of an eye.
If it can happen to me, it can happen to anybody.
If you’re looking for a trite oversimplification, here it is: I tried to kill myself.
I can’t make this any easier for anybody to understand. The only thing that I did wrong was that I tried to end my life. When I survived, there was no life to go back to. My apartment was ransacked; my most valuable possessions were missing; my whole existence crumbled to nothingness.
If my guardian angel hadn’t travelled up from London; if I hadn’t managed to appoint a couple of solicitors… how on earth would I have coped? There was so much work to be done, to track down what the heck had happened to my life, since I’d been lying unconscious in a coma, with a machine breathing for me. Only an idiot would suggest that I could have sabotaged my life so spectacularly, when I was flat on my back with my eyes taped shut; tubes coming out of me. There is absolutely no doubt about my movements during the period when my world exploded, because it’s all been thoroughly documented by those who had a duty of care to look after me – I was incapacitated; vulnerable.
Today, I find myself having to trawl through the jumble of papers and emails that have flown around, which essentially constitute a smoking gun. Circumstances conspired to cause me to become so stressed that I chose to attempt to end my life; I couldn’t deal with the shitstorm around me; I couldn’t cope. Having been discharged from hospital, things are not much better. I very much want to kill myself right now.
There’s a reason why I haven’t poked the hornet’s nest: all this shit which was too much for me to handle when I was hospitalised. Why the fuck have I got to deal with it now? All of this bullshit is making me suicidal again.
I just want to live in peace and quiet. I didn’t sign up for the shit I’m going through. It’s unjust.
I’m being hounded to death.
Tags: #suicide
Comments
30 responses to “I Want to be Dead”
Hm…
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Best wishes.
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My parents too never understood my disease. Hang in there you WILL find a partner who supports & understands u & things WILL get better
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Thanks, Gregg
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Thanks, Howard
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bro look back at your post when u attempted suicide…u have a TON of people pulling for you. Reach out to them get ur support
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My mother’s favorite saying to me: Just shake it off & move forward…..not that simple mom
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I think of you often, hoping you keep fighting. I understand the battle.
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😢
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😢
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Thanks, Alicia
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Leaving the hospital is always extremely overwhelming for the first while. You CAN do it. We are all rooting for you 🌸 Be gentle w/urself 🙏
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Thank you x
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😢
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Just because you are out of hospital doesn’t mean you are okay. Can you get a MH advocate at all?
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Years back during my breakdown. I was on leave and a poster of a club night with me and ex friends in triggered me. Tbc.
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What I’m saying is sometimes you can’t even deal with the little stuff, the memory triggers, take it slow.
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It sucks when family doesn’t understand, but there people who do. You will find them- probably have already. Sending big virtual hugs.
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Liked this post.
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Yes! Being hospitalized can oftentimes be more harmful than helpful! #Bipolar #StandUpToSuicide #KeepTalkingMH m.youtube.com/watch?v=1IfiMX…
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Liked this post.
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Pretty much ALWAYS more harmful
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Agreed. A twisted system.
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Across the ocean, holding a light. Loving kindness towards self when others can’t be bothered.
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Liked this post.
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Hi Nick I read your note and it is really powerful hard read. So I can only imagine how hard is the real thing 🙁 saying that you are writing you are talking you not alone so many positive comments and people who struggle just like you. Be Your Best 🌻
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Thanks, Gabriela.
It was a crazy awful moment. I was upset to be dragged back into those memories, not by my blog, but because I had to deal some administrative/legal matter that was not my responsibility.
Talking to kind people like you is really helpful. Thank you x
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Liked this post.
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Nick my heart truly goes out to you. I am bipolar and have been treated for depression since I was 19 years old. I have attempted to take my own life as well. I can tell you that you will have brighter days, please don’t give up. You must continue seeking professional help. Sometimes the ones we settle with are not the right fit but are convenient. Keep seeking help until you KNOW this is the one. Don’t worry about your family. It is their problem, not yours. They can figure that out for themselves. That’s on them not you. Please trust me when I say that things will get better. You must take your medication everyday though, try to get out of the house, visit friends and family. Take care of your mind and body. I know because I am reminded of these things from time to time. I am raising 4 grandchildren. The oldest is now 19 and is attending the UofO. The others which are not her siblings are ages 11,7,4. I have gone to the dark place a few times but I have a brother that can pull me back in or at least get me to my doctor. I have a long way to go so I can make sure these children go off to college. You need someone that recognizes when you are going off course and can help you. Please never give up. There are others that love you and care for you and I am sure will do anything to help you. Let them in. Do things that make you happy. Make that trip to California. Sunshine is great for the soul. Please take care. I will keep you in my thoughts, Marilyn
I’ve been to that dark corner in my mind as well from time to time as far as depressive thoughts. Life can do that to a person. I encourage you to keep writing. It is a cathartic balm. Much peace and strength to you.