End of my Tether

This is a story about being worn down…

I can’t stand the self-help, motivational speaker, trite platitude brigade, with all their bite-sized quotes which reduce complex and traumatic situations into oversimplified cartoons, which bear no resemblance to reality.

I’m sick of trying and failing. I’m sick of slogging along, doing everything that’s expected of me as an obedient citizen, while getting absolutely nowhere; going backwards.

I don’t know how long it’s reasonable to expect a person to struggle, with no progress; no hope of ever escaping the intolerable present-day situation. I’ve proceeded positively on the assumption that one day I’d turn a corner, but all the evidence is that it’s impossible: there’s no way out of my predicament.

There isn’t any money left, after paying my taxes, my debts and other financial obligations. How can that be right? How can so much hard work and effort amount to zero? How can all those difficult and horrible years amount to nothing? How can all that struggle have been for naught; to be left without a penny?

It’s not just about money. It’s about the exhaustion of all those years of anxiety and stress – struggle – only to be left facing more years of the same. To say I’m at zero is wrong, because in fact I must keep working just as hard merely to exist. All that effort has not propelled me into a situation where I can take a break – work a little less hard – but in fact I must carry on at exactly the same demanding level, without having a safety net; no financial security, no housing security… nothing.

Why did I bother trying to be kind and generous? Why did I bother being trusting? Why did I bother playing by the rules? Why did I pay my debts? Why did I work? Why did I contribute?

It wasn’t worth it.

Hard work doesn’t pay.

Kindness leads to being taken advantage of.

I don’t regret abiding by the social contract and being an obedient citizen and employee, but I sure can see that it’s been to my overall detriment. I’ve been left for dust by those who were immoral and criminal, not that I wish I had lived my life their way.

I wish the world was different, but it isn’t.

I wish the world was fair, but it isn’t.

The world isn’t disproportionately unfair towards me. I certainly am not one of the most disadvantaged. I would never claim that I’ve had things any harder than 98% of the world. Still though, it sucks not being able to make progress. The odds are stacked in my favour a lot more than other people, but the end result is the same: zero.

You can’t argue with the end result. You can’t argue with the effort expended. You can’t deny that I’ve worked hard and it’s resulted in nothing. Big. Fat. Nothing.

Zero. I’m at zero.

A man who has nothing has nothing to lose, is one of those trite contrived platitudes that I hate, but it sounds rather worrisome rather than inspiring, doesn’t it? Doesn’t nothing to lose also imply nothing to live for? Doesn’t nothing to lose imply, well, having nothing, which is a rather dismal state of affairs for an adult who’s supposed to have something to show for their efforts? Having something to lose means that somebody will act predictably, in order to protect something valuable. Having nothing to lose means somebody acting, well, with nothing to lose, which is terrifying.

The prospect of more of the same – more depression, anxiety and more indentured servitude struggling under the yoke of capitalism – is not at all appealing. The prospect of more years of stress and struggle is most definitely unappealing.

Some might have their morality corrupted by the appeal of get rich quick scams and schemes. Some might have their morality corrupted by the appeal of enslaving their fellow humans. I find such things equally unappealing.

Thus I arrive at the recurrent and inescapable conclusion that my course has run. I’ve tried and I’ve failed so I’m giving up. There’s nothing more that life has to offer except depression, anxiety, stress, misery, pain, suffering, loneliness, heartbreak, persecution, coercion and exploitation.

I’ve had enough.

Tags: #suicide